God just continues to illuminate scripture that is so real and relevant to my life. I've been blog silent, if you will... as I just processed everything carefully as not to misunderstand what He was saying to me.
I attended an Experiencing God conference hosted at Summit Church. I felt a strong call on my life to jump off the edge of comfortable christian living and embrace His invitation to do immeasurably more than all I could ever ask or imagine through my life (Ephesians 3:20). After seeking counsel and paying attention to opportunity, God placed a country on my heart. What He was calling me to after that was frightening beyond belief, but I remembered... Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."
So I began to just search His Word, believing, trusting, praying that He would make His purpose and plan for my future very clear.
Then I waited.
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."
Lamentations 3:24-26 "I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Then I found confirmation.
James 1:27 "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." God had placed Haiti on my heart. God also began to immediately open doors to lead me into relationships that would provide an opportunity to serve.
And then encouragement.
1 Peter 4:10 "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." I began to cry out to God and beg Him to reveal my "gifts". I pleaded for clarity and vision. I prayed for a passion and a path. In this season, I struggled back and forth with God. I started to drift from the call God had placed in my heart. I would wrestle the conviction away assuring myself that I had nothing to offer. I wasn't good at much. I was a coward. I would fail. I wouldn't follow through and so much more of the like. To tell you I am healed of these fears, would at this point be a lie. However, I ate a piece of humble pie as I realized that this had nothing to do with me. All my righteous acts are like filthy rags in the presence of God (Isaiah 64:6). God is alive and real and in the business of redeeming lives and he is inviting me to participate in that. He is offering up an opportunity to witness Him move big and great and mightily.
He has continued to do a work in my life. Constantly refining and perfecting the plan He has for me, which I am excited to share with you soon. But before too much of the plan is revealed, I will look to an example from the life of Nehemiah. In Nehemiah chapter 1, Nehemiah hears of the condition of his people and hometown. In verse 4 he writes, "When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven."
After this, Nehemiah acted.
I will go to Haiti allowing the Lord to break me and burden me for the people there. I will fast and pray and weep. And when I return, I will hit the ground running, throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance in the race marked out for me(Hebrews 12:1).
"Let me look on the crowd as my Savior did, Till my eyes with tears grow dim. Let me view with pity the wandering sheep, And love them for love of Him." -unknown
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Praying Psalms
I tackled Psalm 119, you know the crazy loooong one. There were many recurring themes, but one especially I found treasure in. I had been begging God to show me 'what now?'. All I knew is that destruction had come and God had promised it was for my good (Romans 8:28). But, the promise didn't remove the pain. What was I to do with all of that gunk?
And then I found...
Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
So I got in the Word.
And then I found...
Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
Carrying seed to sow, you say... what is that? I want songs of joy. Luke 8:11 Jesus' parable lays it out, "The seed is the Word of God." Further on in the parable we learn how to be the 'good seed'. By hearing the Word, retaining it and by persevering we'll then produce a crop.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Hebrews 6:12 ...Imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
Is anyone else seeing how beautifully this is being knit together?
Psalm 119:103-105 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
And then I found...
Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
So I got in the Word.
And then I found...
Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
Carrying seed to sow, you say... what is that? I want songs of joy. Luke 8:11 Jesus' parable lays it out, "The seed is the Word of God." Further on in the parable we learn how to be the 'good seed'. By hearing the Word, retaining it and by persevering we'll then produce a crop.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Hebrews 6:12 ...Imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
Is anyone else seeing how beautifully this is being knit together?
Psalm 119:103-105 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sifting and such.
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32
There is so much hope in Christ's words here to Peter. Too tired for complete sentences, however I will attempt to tell you all that this speaks to me.
Satan can't test me without God's permission. Now, whether this is true for all stories, I can definitely see a similarity between this instance with Peter and one several books back in Job. If that is the case, then I can draw that Christ also knows the outcome will end up with less of me and more of Him. I read somewhere that God is practical and he doesn't allow people to be sifted who have nothing they need radically extracted from their lives.
In Peter's case... perhaps he needed to be sifted in order to remove his pride, leaving a blank pallet for Christ to build the first Christian church. My case, less noble but I had to be stripped of my desire to be married. It sounds dramatic and cold, but when the drive to be married (harmless as it sounds) reigned higher in my heart than God... it needed to go.
Oh, the ugly sins it gave birth to: idolatry, discontentment, distrust... forgive me sweet Savior. You are everything I need. I've returned my eyes back to You and You alone. It was all about what I could gain, instead of what I was being called to give.
"...I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteous of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ..." Philippians 3:8-9
There is so much hope in Christ's words here to Peter. Too tired for complete sentences, however I will attempt to tell you all that this speaks to me.
Satan can't test me without God's permission. Now, whether this is true for all stories, I can definitely see a similarity between this instance with Peter and one several books back in Job. If that is the case, then I can draw that Christ also knows the outcome will end up with less of me and more of Him. I read somewhere that God is practical and he doesn't allow people to be sifted who have nothing they need radically extracted from their lives.
In Peter's case... perhaps he needed to be sifted in order to remove his pride, leaving a blank pallet for Christ to build the first Christian church. My case, less noble but I had to be stripped of my desire to be married. It sounds dramatic and cold, but when the drive to be married (harmless as it sounds) reigned higher in my heart than God... it needed to go.
Oh, the ugly sins it gave birth to: idolatry, discontentment, distrust... forgive me sweet Savior. You are everything I need. I've returned my eyes back to You and You alone. It was all about what I could gain, instead of what I was being called to give.
"...I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteous of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ..." Philippians 3:8-9
Thursday, August 6, 2009
John 13:7
I'm not one to take scripture out of context. Herman who? (inside story) But, in this one case I didn't bother reading before or after... I just rested on this verse.
Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
I'm not trying to make the holy spirit out to be a mystic magic 8 ball, but all I know is I haven't been able to shake the urge (for about a week now) to go down to my car and find this particular Beth Moore bible study. Now, I had a perfectly good new one upstairs--three if you want me to be honest. Something about this one though. So I grabbed it. Oh but I must tell you that it is all kinds of damaged. Looks as if it went swimming, got sat on, stepped on, chewed on. Says something of my character, I guess, that it's lived under my car seat for the better part of almost two years. As I flipped through the pages, astonished with how far I had gotten, but better yet comforted by what I found. I had started this study in January of 2008. The vulnerability on each page almost brought me to tears. It was vague enough that I don't know or remember exactly what I was going through, but my words were written from a very humble and honest heart.
I read over my fears, insecurities, worst case scenarios and more importantly God's answer to them all. Right there on the pages before me unfolded the ugly truth that everything I had tried to avoid came true. I hadn't listened then, or maybe I didn't understand what He was asking of me. But, in the months following I got it way wrong. Then my eyes went to a scribble in one of the margins, John 13:7. So, I turned to it quickly in my Bible and if I wasn't already sitting, I'd most certainly have fallen over. You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.
There was a sadness that swept over me--thinking, if only I had listened or understood or obeyed. Nothing in my power can go back and change what happened in and through my heart back then, but that is not where I will dwell tonight.
I didn't listen or understand then. Goodnews, I am listening now... still a little confused, but this I know:
He allowed all my biggest fears to unfold into one glorious disaster. In doing so, giving me another opportunity to completely depend on Him... to realize He isn't merely the author of my love story, better so He IS my love story. He is the only solution to my joy. He will never let me down. He will never break a promise. He is safe, secure, worthy of my trust. And are you ready for this... He loves me unconditionally.
I am loving that He fights this hard for me. My response to that is easy, and the best part... I don't have to fake it anymore. My head and heart aren't on opposing teams. They both are very thankful for a God who doesn't give up.
Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."
I'm not trying to make the holy spirit out to be a mystic magic 8 ball, but all I know is I haven't been able to shake the urge (for about a week now) to go down to my car and find this particular Beth Moore bible study. Now, I had a perfectly good new one upstairs--three if you want me to be honest. Something about this one though. So I grabbed it. Oh but I must tell you that it is all kinds of damaged. Looks as if it went swimming, got sat on, stepped on, chewed on. Says something of my character, I guess, that it's lived under my car seat for the better part of almost two years. As I flipped through the pages, astonished with how far I had gotten, but better yet comforted by what I found. I had started this study in January of 2008. The vulnerability on each page almost brought me to tears. It was vague enough that I don't know or remember exactly what I was going through, but my words were written from a very humble and honest heart.
I read over my fears, insecurities, worst case scenarios and more importantly God's answer to them all. Right there on the pages before me unfolded the ugly truth that everything I had tried to avoid came true. I hadn't listened then, or maybe I didn't understand what He was asking of me. But, in the months following I got it way wrong. Then my eyes went to a scribble in one of the margins, John 13:7. So, I turned to it quickly in my Bible and if I wasn't already sitting, I'd most certainly have fallen over. You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.
There was a sadness that swept over me--thinking, if only I had listened or understood or obeyed. Nothing in my power can go back and change what happened in and through my heart back then, but that is not where I will dwell tonight.
I didn't listen or understand then. Goodnews, I am listening now... still a little confused, but this I know:
He allowed all my biggest fears to unfold into one glorious disaster. In doing so, giving me another opportunity to completely depend on Him... to realize He isn't merely the author of my love story, better so He IS my love story. He is the only solution to my joy. He will never let me down. He will never break a promise. He is safe, secure, worthy of my trust. And are you ready for this... He loves me unconditionally.
I am loving that He fights this hard for me. My response to that is easy, and the best part... I don't have to fake it anymore. My head and heart aren't on opposing teams. They both are very thankful for a God who doesn't give up.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Grieve appropriately, Respond rightly.
Grieve appropriately. Oh, I have the grieve part down. I could have certainly filled up my own 50 gallon salt water fish tank with the amount of tears I've cried since June.
The appropriate part, I might've missed. But, I have repented of my misplaced hope and lack of trust in God's timing and sovereignty.
I felt like God was impressing on me to respond by giving up Mason and all the while reflecting His glory.
However, I had not rightly understood the calling. All I dwelt on was that God was asking me to give up Mason. And I couldn't process that kind of pain. I couldn't shake my hurt, so I wasn't able to glorify God rightly. Then I got it. I was looking at the request so negatively, I was to busy mourning my loss to realize what was really happening. God was asking me to GAIN HIM.
It's not about what I'm losing... it's about everything I have to gain in Christ. He's not asking me to lay down something good, without offering something better: Him. He has to be enough. He has to be my desire. My satisfaction is found in He and He alone. If I can grab a hold of this truth, believe it and live it out, I will have gained the greatest treasure.
The appropriate part, I might've missed. But, I have repented of my misplaced hope and lack of trust in God's timing and sovereignty.
I felt like God was impressing on me to respond by giving up Mason and all the while reflecting His glory.
However, I had not rightly understood the calling. All I dwelt on was that God was asking me to give up Mason. And I couldn't process that kind of pain. I couldn't shake my hurt, so I wasn't able to glorify God rightly. Then I got it. I was looking at the request so negatively, I was to busy mourning my loss to realize what was really happening. God was asking me to GAIN HIM.
It's not about what I'm losing... it's about everything I have to gain in Christ. He's not asking me to lay down something good, without offering something better: Him. He has to be enough. He has to be my desire. My satisfaction is found in He and He alone. If I can grab a hold of this truth, believe it and live it out, I will have gained the greatest treasure.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Marvelous hope.
It seems as if I could squeeze a lifetime in the space between the last entry and now. This has been a story of walking through my present personal tragedy and learning how to be a good steward through all of that. So far having not done so well. I wrestled through journal/blogging in this season... certain I would not want to remember any of this hurt, but now I'm convinced I don't want to forget a single word from God.
Early on in my despair, God told me to get over it. Which made me angry and sad. But if I truly trusted God like I've always "said" then all he was asking me to do was prove it. Not quite two months into this He's maintained His request but refined it further by challenging me to respond in a way that reflects His glory. I have repeatedly thanked God for Maggie and Jordan's story. What an awesome example of how to be a good steward with everything you've been given--whether that is sickness or a canceled wedding.
Tonight Vicky shared amazing insight on a familiar story. Mary and Martha asked God to heal Lazarus. They knew he could do that. They didn't know he could raise him from the dead. The story plays out, Lazarus dies and God allows the sisters to grieve and walk through that sorrow, only to give them a deeper understanding of His power and goodness. (Vicky explains it so much more eloquently, I hope I didn't butcher it too much)
I also keep returning to two stories in the gospel. The first is a story where a father asks Jesus to cast the evil spirits from his son. "If you can..." says the father. Jesus presses further asking if he believes and he says in Mark 9:24, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief". This has been my prayer now for several days. Along the same lines, I am drawn to a story in Luke 17, where the disciples cry out asking God to "increase their faith".
The application pours on as God drew me over to the story of Abraham and Isaac. God is asking me to lay Mason down... to open the palms of my hands and realize nothing I have is mine. Originally I easily agreed to lay him down, but if and only if God promised him in return. And I waited and asked, but that peace never came. It was clear that God wanted a total surrender, more so to not only lay him down but to walk away. I cannot deny that my desire is that the Lord would lead me back to Mason, but I understand that is not where I will put my hope.
Tonight I am painfully encouraged, thankfully blessed and genuinely hopeful. Though, it seems impossible to picture a world without Mason in it, I am rejoicing in a season where God is near and speaks to me daily and hourly if I am disciplined.
God, how would you have me respond?
I have been hiding from friends. I felt a strong conviction that when asked, I should be reflecting God's glory. But it felt as if that would be faking it, so instead I avoided everyone. When I was confronted in public and asked questions like, "How was the wedding?" "How does it feel to be married?" "Let me see your ring!" and the like, I literally shut down. I would watch powerlessly as the poor unsuspecting soul would awkwardly try to wiggle out of the question. I offered absolutely no help. To you all and to God, I apologize and weep over all the missed opportunities to be a good steward of my present circumstance. What I should've shared was that my God is a God of grace and mercy who loves me and desires good for me. I should've told you how faithful He has been to bring me out of despair and into His presence. I should have expressed how thankful I am and how He gave forgiveness to my wretched soul and placed inside of me a marvelous hope.
Early on in my despair, God told me to get over it. Which made me angry and sad. But if I truly trusted God like I've always "said" then all he was asking me to do was prove it. Not quite two months into this He's maintained His request but refined it further by challenging me to respond in a way that reflects His glory. I have repeatedly thanked God for Maggie and Jordan's story. What an awesome example of how to be a good steward with everything you've been given--whether that is sickness or a canceled wedding.
Tonight Vicky shared amazing insight on a familiar story. Mary and Martha asked God to heal Lazarus. They knew he could do that. They didn't know he could raise him from the dead. The story plays out, Lazarus dies and God allows the sisters to grieve and walk through that sorrow, only to give them a deeper understanding of His power and goodness. (Vicky explains it so much more eloquently, I hope I didn't butcher it too much)
I also keep returning to two stories in the gospel. The first is a story where a father asks Jesus to cast the evil spirits from his son. "If you can..." says the father. Jesus presses further asking if he believes and he says in Mark 9:24, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief". This has been my prayer now for several days. Along the same lines, I am drawn to a story in Luke 17, where the disciples cry out asking God to "increase their faith".
The application pours on as God drew me over to the story of Abraham and Isaac. God is asking me to lay Mason down... to open the palms of my hands and realize nothing I have is mine. Originally I easily agreed to lay him down, but if and only if God promised him in return. And I waited and asked, but that peace never came. It was clear that God wanted a total surrender, more so to not only lay him down but to walk away. I cannot deny that my desire is that the Lord would lead me back to Mason, but I understand that is not where I will put my hope.
Tonight I am painfully encouraged, thankfully blessed and genuinely hopeful. Though, it seems impossible to picture a world without Mason in it, I am rejoicing in a season where God is near and speaks to me daily and hourly if I am disciplined.
God, how would you have me respond?
I have been hiding from friends. I felt a strong conviction that when asked, I should be reflecting God's glory. But it felt as if that would be faking it, so instead I avoided everyone. When I was confronted in public and asked questions like, "How was the wedding?" "How does it feel to be married?" "Let me see your ring!" and the like, I literally shut down. I would watch powerlessly as the poor unsuspecting soul would awkwardly try to wiggle out of the question. I offered absolutely no help. To you all and to God, I apologize and weep over all the missed opportunities to be a good steward of my present circumstance. What I should've shared was that my God is a God of grace and mercy who loves me and desires good for me. I should've told you how faithful He has been to bring me out of despair and into His presence. I should have expressed how thankful I am and how He gave forgiveness to my wretched soul and placed inside of me a marvelous hope.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Suffering and Pride.
Conviction:
God has been very clear, instructing me to get over it. Scripture tells me what He means by that is, cast your anxiety on the Lord for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) I understand that I should rejoice in many trials because it is a testing of my faith so that I may be mature, complete not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4) I know that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
I can quote it, but truthfully I haven't believed any of it.
I'm still hurt, broken and I cry a lot. I am embarrassed to say that out loud for fear that someone with real troubles will read it. People have and will hurt far worse than "being left at the alter". I am a silly girl, forgive me.
A little bit before that verse Peter quotes Proverbs explaining, "God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble". (1 Peter 5:6b)
Ouch that hurts, Holy Spirit. Are you calling me prideful? How so? I'm weak, I'm sad... I'm the victim.
Proud people don't praise God; they're are too consumed with themselves. Humble people are in awe of Him; thankful praise pours naturally from their hearts.
Response:
1 Peter 5:10, And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
This verse tells me a couple things. The first being that God is grace and love and good. To put it boldly, no matter how fierce my testing, I can be thankful I am not in hell where I ought to be. Secondly, it reminds me of His eternal glory. This enables me to look beyond the sufferings of this world to a time where I will be with Him forever. My third comfort is that suffering is just for 'a little while', when held up to the eternal, life's afflictions are less than momentary. And lastly, I should be encouraged that God uses my suffering to mold and perfect my christian character. My commentary says that persecution is intended by Satan to weaken and wear out believers. When put that way, it would appear there is a battle over my obedience right now.
My response tonight is (long overdue) repentance. I didn't want to acknowledge that being sad was pride, I hadn't even considered it. But, humility requires strong confidence in a caring God. I doubted that He was good. I didn't believe that He cared. I didn't think His promises of good were for me. I think am allowed to wrestle with God through those things. I intend to ask for understanding and peace and proof... but I MUST get on my face and beg for my sin of unbelief immediately.
Job prays, "surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know... My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent". (Job 42:3, 5-6)
God has been very clear, instructing me to get over it. Scripture tells me what He means by that is, cast your anxiety on the Lord for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) I understand that I should rejoice in many trials because it is a testing of my faith so that I may be mature, complete not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4) I know that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
I can quote it, but truthfully I haven't believed any of it.
I'm still hurt, broken and I cry a lot. I am embarrassed to say that out loud for fear that someone with real troubles will read it. People have and will hurt far worse than "being left at the alter". I am a silly girl, forgive me.
A little bit before that verse Peter quotes Proverbs explaining, "God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble". (1 Peter 5:6b)
Ouch that hurts, Holy Spirit. Are you calling me prideful? How so? I'm weak, I'm sad... I'm the victim.
Proud people don't praise God; they're are too consumed with themselves. Humble people are in awe of Him; thankful praise pours naturally from their hearts.
Response:
1 Peter 5:10, And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
This verse tells me a couple things. The first being that God is grace and love and good. To put it boldly, no matter how fierce my testing, I can be thankful I am not in hell where I ought to be. Secondly, it reminds me of His eternal glory. This enables me to look beyond the sufferings of this world to a time where I will be with Him forever. My third comfort is that suffering is just for 'a little while', when held up to the eternal, life's afflictions are less than momentary. And lastly, I should be encouraged that God uses my suffering to mold and perfect my christian character. My commentary says that persecution is intended by Satan to weaken and wear out believers. When put that way, it would appear there is a battle over my obedience right now.
My response tonight is (long overdue) repentance. I didn't want to acknowledge that being sad was pride, I hadn't even considered it. But, humility requires strong confidence in a caring God. I doubted that He was good. I didn't believe that He cared. I didn't think His promises of good were for me. I think am allowed to wrestle with God through those things. I intend to ask for understanding and peace and proof... but I MUST get on my face and beg for my sin of unbelief immediately.
Job prays, "surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know... My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent". (Job 42:3, 5-6)
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