John 13:7

I'm not one to take scripture out of context. Herman who? (inside story) But, in this one case I didn't bother reading before or after... I just rested on this verse.

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

I'm not trying to make the holy spirit out to be a mystic magic 8 ball, but all I know is I haven't been able to shake the urge (for about a week now) to go down to my car and find this particular Beth Moore bible study. Now, I had a perfectly good new one upstairs--three if you want me to be honest. Something about this one though. So I grabbed it. Oh but I must tell you that it is all kinds of damaged. Looks as if it went swimming, got sat on, stepped on, chewed on. Says something of my character, I guess, that it's lived under my car seat for the better part of almost two years. As I flipped through the pages, astonished with how far I had gotten, but better yet comforted by what I found. I had started this study in January of 2008. The vulnerability on each page almost brought me to tears. It was vague enough that I don't know or remember exactly what I was going through, but my words were written from a very humble and honest heart.

I read over my fears, insecurities, worst case scenarios and more importantly God's answer to them all. Right there on the pages before me unfolded the ugly truth that everything I had tried to avoid came true. I hadn't listened then, or maybe I didn't understand what He was asking of me. But, in the months following I got it way wrong. Then my eyes went to a scribble in one of the margins, John 13:7. So, I turned to it quickly in my Bible and if I wasn't already sitting, I'd most certainly have fallen over. You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.

There was a sadness that swept over me--thinking, if only I had listened or understood or obeyed. Nothing in my power can go back and change what happened in and through my heart back then, but that is not where I will dwell tonight.

I didn't listen or understand then. Goodnews, I am listening now... still a little confused, but this I know:

He allowed all my biggest fears to unfold into one glorious disaster. In doing so, giving me another opportunity to completely depend on Him... to realize He isn't merely the author of my love story, better so He IS my love story. He is the only solution to my joy. He will never let me down. He will never break a promise. He is safe, secure, worthy of my trust. And are you ready for this... He loves me unconditionally.

I am loving that He fights this hard for me. My response to that is easy, and the best part... I don't have to fake it anymore. My head and heart aren't on opposing teams. They both are very thankful for a God who doesn't give up.