cliffnotes.

I have been camped out in Genesis and before that the Samuels. I am fascinated beyond words by the lineage of God’s people. I wrote out the family tree to better grasp it. And as I read over and over and over it, I could not shake what seemed to be a minor detail. Why the line of Judah?

Let me do some quick story telling to catch you up. In the beginning God created Adam and Eve. They messed up. Jump down a few generations and we have Noah. Noah was a pretty stand up guy, but everyone around him messed up… messed up so badly God flooded the earth and wiped them out. Then one day Noah got drunk and passed out in a tent naked. One of his sons found him that way and shared the findings with his brothers. A nation was cursed because of it. Noah’s oldest son went on to raise a pretty stand up guy, too. His name was Abram, later known as Abraham; from Abraham through his pride and joy, Isaac, God would enter into a covenant. Isaac has twin boys: Esau, the hairy one and Jacob.

This is good stuff. Jacob is the youngest, but he tricks his old and blind father into passing his blessing onto him. Jacob was shady. Jacob was my favorite. Jacob goes onto make babies, lots of babies… interestingly dysfunctional babies. Jacob was also a romantic. They don’t make many men like Jacob anymore. He saw and fell in love with Rachel (awwww…). Then he worked seven years for Rachel's father to have her hand in marriage. Well Rachel’s daddy tricks him and gives Rachel’s older sister Leah to him instead. But he only has eyes for Rachel, so this crazy man works ANOTHER SEVEN years for her… love it!

Rachel can’t make babies, but Leah is popping out boys like it’s her day job. So Rachel offers up her maidservant, Bilhah, who pops out a couple sons for Jacob. Leah sees this and says, well I’ll give him my maidservant, too. So her maidservant, Zilpah has a couple of boys. Then Leah decides she’s still got it so she has two more baby boys (and a girl Dinah who stirs up some drama later). Then finally 10 baby boys later his beloved Rachel finally has a son, Joseph. And later on has another one named Benjamin. Here are the 12 tribes of Israel…fascinating.

To dive a little deeper.. let’s start with Reuben, the first born to Jacob. He ends up sleeping with Bilhah, one of his brothers’ mothers.

Then we have Simeon and Levi, the big brothers of Dinah. This guy sees Dinah and decides he has to have her, so he sleeps with her. Then he goes to her father and brothers and asks for permission to marry her. The brothers are furious, so the devise this plan against him. They give him their blessing attached to a couple conditions.. not only does he have to get circumcised but his entire village must do the same. Then while the whole town is recovering from their “surgery”, Simeon and Levi go in and destroy everyone insight by sword.

The fourth born, Judah messes up too. This is, to date, one of my favorite Old Testament stories. Judah has three sons; Er, Onan and Shelah. Er marries a girl by the name of Tamar. Then because of Er wickedness God strikes him down. So Tamar is given to Onan in marriage, who is also struck down. So Judah promises his youngest son, Shelah to the twice now widow, Tamar. But Judah doesn’t follow through on this promise. So Tamar pretends to be a prostitute and sleeps with Judah. When Judah hears of his daughter-in-law’s pregnancy he orders her death (not knowing he’s the baby daddy)… SURPRIZE, you ARE the father. So Tamar goes onto have twins (Zerah and Perez). Perez actually sticks his arm out first, but Zerah beats him out. (Birth order was such a big deal back then they fought about it at the ripe age of ZERO..craziness)

Jump a couple sons down to Joseph. Joseph was his daddy’s favorite, because he was born to Rachel (daddy’s other favorite). The brothers hated Joseph so much that they plotted murder, but opted for the less messy, by selling him into slavery. Now even though Joseph was dealt a couple crappy cards (slavery and jailtime, just to name a few) he was a great guy; truly blessed and everything he touched seemed to work out for him. Apparently, he decoded dreams in his spare time, which landed him in control of Egypt. Now from this line, the boys of Jacob; to be more specific, the line of Judah (the fourth born).. came some pretty big names; Boaz, Obed, Jesse, DAVID, Solomon… right on down to Joseph the husband of Mary and father to (insert drumroll) JESUS.

In reading through the Samuels and 1 & 2 Kings, I picked up a few things. David was a man of God’s own heart. That’s huge. I constantly ask myself, what made David so special? He came from the dysfunctional line of Judah and his fake prostitute. He himself commented adultery with Bathsheba and then had her husband murdered to cover it up. Why David? Why the line of Judah?

I’m pulling this out of my memory bank, so it’s a lil fuzzy; but around the time of Solomon (David’s son) the kingdom starts to crumble and under his son Rehoboam the kingdom is divided into Israel and Judah. I’m not sure why, but God continued to bless the house of Judah. The Kings of Israel's rulings were quick, and shady.. they all turn from God. But the kingdom of Judah remains in the family. The kingdom of Israel jumps from person, to person.. never really carrying over more than two generations. Father comes into rule, dies, gives kingdom to son… shortly after the kingdom is taken from the son and so the cycle continues. So why the line of Judah? I was really struggling with this. I knew there had to be something there, but I couldn’t shake it. Why would God pick Judah? Joseph was a nice lad. Why was David so special? He was corrupt, too. Jesus was perfect in every way, why not give him a family tree worth bragging about?

Then a wise man (my boyfriend) gave me a verse that brought everything around full circle. “But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.” 1 Corinthians 1:27

It all makes perfect sense. Ready for the conclusion to my longwinded epiphany? We wouldn’t know God’s glory if it weren’t for sin. We wouldn’t appreciate His grace, if it had come so easy to the “perfect”. Adam… sinner. Judah… sinner. David… sinner. Solomon… sinner. And so the story continues on down to the authors of the new testament. Disciples.. sinners. Paul… sinner. It makes God’s glory and the perfect life of Jesus Christ shine so bright, I can’t avoid the cheesy light bulb illumination on my face. Why was David so special? David realized the enormity of his inequities and praised God for all of His holiness and righteousness and glory. David desired God, pursued God, praised God despite his own hang-ups. His psalms ring with the cry of the seeker and the glad shout of the finder.

truth is absolutely absolute.

“But what about relativism? It poses as humble by saying: “We are not smart enough to know what the truth is—or if there is any universal truth.” It sounds humble. But look carefully at what is happening. It’s like a servant saying: I am not smart enough to know which person here is my master—or if I even have a master. The result is that I don’t have a master and I can be my own master. That is in reality what happens to relativists: In claiming to be too lowly to know the truth, they exalt themselves as supreme arbiter of what they can think and do. This is not humility. This is the essence of pride. The only way pride can be conquered in us is for us to believe in Truth and be conquered by it so that it rules us, and we don’t rule it.”

I only start with that, because I had originally planned to head up my post for truth with a disclaimer that I don’t know all the answers. So, that was personally convicting, to say the least. I can and will say that there are much wiser on the subject than I. But, I know enough. I know that the Bible is the Word of God, fully inspired and without error in the original manuscripts, written under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, and that it has supreme authority in all matters of faith and conduct. (2 Timothy 3:16)

I write this not to evangelize. I write this primarily for the eyes of my Christian brothers and sisters. This is me urging you to pursue Truth. To examine doctrine and find out what the Bible says about different issues. And follow up with this by living a life worthy to our calling. It’s not a newsflash that the Christian life we live has meshed so close with the secular world that it’s hard to distinguish a difference between the two. When we accepted Christ into our hearts, we didn’t get perfect… we just got forgiven. (I said that with a southern Baptist Bible man accent.)

I am completely aware of the fact that even as Christians we sin on a regular basis. What I cannot wrap my arms around is the art form of passivity and relativism that has been adapted and accepted by so many Bible-reading, Jesus-following believers. Trust no man. (Isaiah 2:22; Acts 17:11) Yet, with so many gifted speakers and best-selling books out there we are quick to jump on Christian bandwagons, myself included. My urgency is not in the act, but in everything, we should hold it up to the Word of God. Yes, it made you think, or convicted you, or ‘changed your life’; but can it be backed scripturally? Otherwise it is vain and futile.

A wise man once told me that even Jenny Craig changes lives. That made me giggle; but it’s true. Don’t hear me wrong, I am 100% on board for changed lives and good works, but I also believe that unless it is done in the name of Jesus Christ we have largely, HUGELY, MASIVELY missed the point.

I love Jesus. I believe in God. But for a scary amount of time that was all I owned up to. My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). How encouraging is that? God calls us to be knowledgeable. A blind faith is not good enough for Him either. Ask the hard questions. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have (1 Peter 3:15).

Do you believe the Bible is the Word of God, fully inspired and without error?
Do you believe in the Trinity?
Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
His virgin birth?
Sinless life?
Miracles and teachings?
His substitutionary atoning death?
His bodily resurrection and ascension into heaven?

Oh so many issues that people have managed to skirt around or avoid answering as to not offend or disagree with anyone. I hate to break it to you, but there are very clear answers to each matter in the Bible. Don’t by any means hear that I am saying to go out and look for a fight. But in a quiet place, search your heart, read the scriptures and ask yourselves the hard questions. Pray for wisdom and clarity. And then you had better take a side, come to a divinely inspired conclusion. We are destroyed by lack of knowledge. If there is doubt, we are like a wave tossed in the sea. What do you believe in? What do you stand for? And more importantly are you ready to be bold in the name of Christ?

writer's block.

I've been itching to write again. But, instead I find myself staring at this silly flashing cursor. Now, I see it; now, I don’t. It's fascinating, really--fascinatingly annoying.

My mind runs over recent sermons heard, verses read, truth revealed, yet I reach out to grab hold of the slightest form of inspiration and draw back a nub. Despite my inability to express it… God has been very alive, moving and speaking volumes into my life. All signs pointing to the grace of God, power of prayer and the glory of His rescue.

I'm absolutely in love with the Living Word of God. I've spent months in the excitement of 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel, 1 Kings, 2 Kings. These books are action packed and hold some of the most intriguing characters I've come to know and love: Samuel, a man of God; Saul, a man who let fear separate him from the Lord; David, a man after God’s own heart; Jonathan, the loyal friend; Solomon, a wise guy with a weakness for the ladies. And then there was Jerobaum, Rehobaum and many many throne changes. Mix in some shady army leaders and prophets, a town that worships cows and the slaughter of many youths by the hands of bears… and you’ve got yourself a catchy little read.

I’ve spent some time in Deuteronomy 8 and Ezekiel focusing on the dangerousness of idols and the urgency to destroy them before they destroy you. I’ve glanced over Job and the beauty of his strength in God. I fell in love with Hosea and the tragically beautiful story of redemption and faithfulness. My boyfriend reads Isaiah to me as I imagine the countless times God directed my footsteps and I chose to stubbornly wander around in a desert for forty years, instead.

And then there was Christ. I have learned in my blimp of a five month relationship the act of selflessness and patience. I am reminded around every corner of Christ’s love and the call to pursue holiness and righteousness, to turn from evil and choose obedience. I have cared for another above myself. I have answered the call to pray big. Pray the impossible. Pray according to God’s Will. Pray without ceasing. Pray for the growth of other believers. Pray for opportunities and interruptions. Pray for leadership. Pray with thanksgiving. I seem to lack my normal wittiness and ability to paint a picture, even wrap this up eloquently... but this is my attempt to re-saddle the horse, dive in, hear what the Lord has to say.

swim lessons.

Everyday for the past week I have taken Enzo to swim lessons. And everyday I watch as he breaks through new barriers and conquers new challenges. Now at two years old, he isn’t expected to swim laps or dive for quarters. The lessons are more for survival in case he were to fall in (again). His unwillingness to corporate at times makes me giggle inside. He is so stubborn and very much dislikes this strange lady in the pool telling him what to do, and even more so making him do it, regardless. Little man will cry at the top of his lungs and fight her with everything he has, but she always seems to win the battle.

I imagine this to be very annoying, and somewhat discouraging to him. At two, he doesn’t understand why he has to jump in and swim to the wall time and time again against his will. But she does. She knows through the tears, the kicking, the screaming it is all for his own good.

Day 6 she pushed him in. I held my breath and it felt as though my heart stopped beating as I waited for him to surface and kick his way over to the wall-o-safety. His eyes were as big as baseballs and when he surfaced, he cried as if someone was hurting him… BUT he surfaced. He passed the test. And I won’t aim to describe with words how proud I was of him in that moment. Now, how much more is God’s love for us?

I can look over my shoulder at different instances in my life that I chose to be stubborn, fighting God every inch of the way. I can almost see how God extended His hand and gave me a little push away from security. I couldn’t make sense of it at the time--all I saw was the immediate plunge into the deep end. But God had done a work in my life. He had given me everything I needed to serve Him in that moment, so much so that I instinctively swam to the edge. And I can see Him poolside extending His hand to mine with a smile on His face so big I feel as though my heart might explode.

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
From my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my diaster,
But the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
HE RESCUED ME BECAUSE HE DELIGHTED IN ME.”
Psalm 18:16-19

a covenant with the legalist.

The Covenant.

Am I growing in holiness?
How am I seeking to make myself pure?
Does my life honor Jesus?
Am I looking in the Word to find out how I am supposed to live?
Do I hate the world?

The plan of attack:
1.) No facebook for a week.
2.) No tv, movies, radio or magazine’s for a week.
3.) I will wake up and be in the Word before work.
4.) I will be in the Word for the 2 hours that Enzo naps in the afternoon.
5.) I will be in the Word for at least an hour before bed.
6.) I will be slow to speak, no slander, no gossip.
7.) I will not laugh, joke or talk about anything that isn’t glorifying to God.

And I will do these tasks with a pure heart and not brag, but because I want God to move in my life. I want to root myself so deeply in Him that I grow to hate sin as He does. I will not find entertainment in the very things he despises. I will glorify Him with my words. I will strive for humility. I will take every thought captive for the Lord.

Oh God, I ask for wisdom in Your Word and strength to complete these tasks in Your Name.
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Romans 12:2

Day 1.
I failed.
I thought this would be hard, but I also thought I’d last longer than a day. Though, I won’t be discouraged, instead take from this a lesson. I can do all things through Christ and absolutely nothing without him. I am weak and designed to mess up. I will not make it through this week without asking God daily/hourly/every second for obedience and strength. I listened to worship music as I got ready for church and I prayed in the car on the way there. I sat next to and introduced myself to a girl sitting alone before service. I felt a real presence from God during worship, just me and Him… it was beautiful and how it should be. Shortly after I almost leaked word of my secret covenant, only stopping myself after I had spilled the beans on rule #1. I did however remember to glorify God with my mouth, except at Wendy’s when I laughed about ‘who’s the baby’s daddy?’ episodes on Maury. But, I did hold back on some things. I really made an effort to be slow to speak. Then I went to a Bible study for ulterior reasons, left the study and went to Katie’s to watch a movie--not remembering until several minutes in that I had now broken rule #2. And then I realized… it’s not that I sin, but more that I do nothing but sin. I deserve nothing but death, however because I now believe in a literal death and resurrection I know my sins were bought with a price. I can’t complete this covenant without first dying to myself.

Father forgive me for I have sinned against you. I ask for wisdom in Your Word and strength to complete these tasks in Your Name. I want you to move in my life.

Day 2.
I felt a calling/burden on my heart for a possible missions trip. Confirmation came today as I began the study of Mark. Mark depicts Jesus as a servant. It is the shortest Gospel, yet contains the most miracles, the most works. It’s centered around Mark 10:45...“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give His life as ransom for many.”And then I looked across the page at the last paragraph of Matthew, The Great Commission…“…go and make disciples of all nations.”Now I don’t know what that looks like, if I’m to go? where I’m to go? when I’m to go there? But I know that God will show up. I do know that I am over what seems to be American Christianity and how we take our faith for granted. I want to experience an area that has genuine believers--not practicers of a vain faith--but people who call themselves Christians and mean it because they could die for it. It scares me that God might be leading me there. But, as much as I am praying for a movement and for wisdom, I also pray for obedience to do whatever it is He asks of me.“…hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop.” Mark 4:20b

I did make mention of my covenant today-- I may have failed myself in that way, but my hope was to encourage and also seek prayer from others. However, praise God I upheld rules 1-7.

Day 3.
Check, check and check. Though I was in constant prayer with God all day, I felt a little distant. Maybe I need to reevaluate my motives. I am gaining knowledge, but I must remember humility. I was able to use scriptural examples when trying to counsel a friend tonight. That was exciting to not offer up my advice but instead say, here is what God says about it.I finished up the book of Mark tonight. Now, for Luke.

Oh God, give me the heart of a humble servant. I ask for wisdom in Your Word, and the strength to obey it--while maintaining a pure heart and a gentle spirit. My mind will chase the Lord.

Day 4.
Happy ‘the fog was lifted’ anniversary! This time last month, I tossed my partial Christianity into the garbage can and embraced a very real Jesus-loving-Bible-reading-Christian lifestyle.I like Luke.. so far the sweetest to the ears. I like Jesus, the Perfect Man-the curious, but wise 12 year old--a very real savior. I also like John the Baptist.I maintained the covenant today, though I most definitely struggle with motive. I want desperately to see God move through this and I wanted not only to experience Him, but also gain wisdom. Whether this is conviction or persecution of some sort, I find that to share my excitement in my growth may very well come off as an ‘everyone-come-look-at-me-and-how-good-I’m-doing’ attitude. There is definitely a battle for my heart.I also received a phone call from my friend, the prophet. He offered encouragement/warning for the truth I have stumbled across. One month in the truth brings me excitement, but two years for him has brought suffering and persecution. I am thankful for people like him. Today I ask for obedience to Your Will above ALL ELSE--the scariest concept I’ve ever stumbled across.“…but first seek His kingdom.” Matthew 6:33 (not a husband, not a career… His will.)

Day 6.
I didn’t journal Day 5 and I almost neglected Day 6.. Why? No movement.I upheld the covenant, that was not the issue. I breezed through Luke in a day and a half and started my study of John tonight. He might be my favorite, though it’s too soon to tell.But here’s the deal… I demanded, willed, wished, expected God to “move” this week. In the beginning I felt a “calling” to missions, which I pushed away as quickly as it came. Then a day or two later, I wondered where “my voice” was. I heard from my friend, the mercy, that God is a jealous God and loves all the attention I’m giving Him. So, He’s withholding to sort of ride this boat aka, me seeking/spending time with Him, for as long as He can. I liked that answer.

But, tonight as I turned off the lights it hit me. How dare I expect God to jump through my hoops because I was doing x, y and z… ESPECIALLY WHEN X, Y AND Z ARE THINGS I SHOULD BE DOING ANYWAY!!! And maybe I’d hear Him more if I spent as much time in genuine undistracted prayer as I did bragging about my covenant. (Matthew 6:18b)

So, tonight my prayer is for forgiveness, humility and a constant heart to seek God even when He’s not speaking, moving, etc.

Day 7.
Today I spent time with God because I love Him.

glorified sandcastle.

This might be the hardest, most honest thing I have ever written.

Up until this weekend I have practiced a very vain faith. I had unknowingly believed in a partial Christianity—handpicking and choosing what I wanted to believe in and live by. I saw Voddie Baucham speak in Homestead, Florida this last Saturday in a small Baptist Church in the middle of no where. Voddie Baucham says that truth is absolute. I had pretended that truth was relative for so long, I almost couldn’t tell the difference between the two. I had managed to dodge hard questions regarding my faith and instead bought into a “flowery-make-everybody-happy-and-comfortable” faith. Since the unveiling of such an idea, I have very much felt under some sort of spiritual attack; however at the same time feeling very alive, awakened… even unblinded, if you will. Also feeling a little ashamed and embarrassed for having settled for ignorance in my Christian walk for so long. My faith centered around experience and emotion (which was all very real), but lacking truth.

This is a HUGE step in the direction of spiritual maturity and a step away from the emptiness and void of my past walk—my prayers of forgiveness and grace falling on deaf ears, having never truly subscribed to the literal death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. ((1 Corinthians 15)) I intend to grab this by the horns and wrestle it down, not budging until I believe and confess with my mouth that Jesus came to earth by immaculate conception, that Jesus was the Son of God, that Jesus lived a perfect life, that Jesus preformed miracles, that Jesus died for my sins and was resurrected from the dead and now sits at the right hand of God.

My plan of attack is to walk through the Gospels—the written account of Jesus’ life and death and resurrection. And I will ask myself the tough questions:
~Do I believe that the Bible is literal and God-breathed?
~Do I believe that Jesus was born to man as a result of immaculate conception?
~Do I believe Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life?
~Do I believe Jesus preformed miracles—not just that He is capable of doing so?
~Do I believe Jesus died on a cross for my sins?
~Do I believe that three days later He rose from the dead?
~DO I BELIEVE IN AN ABSOLUTE TRUTH?

I pray that my mind will not rest until I can stand firmly on these truths and further defend my faith in a way that is powerful and not flowery and futile or vain. I feel as if I’ve been an agnostic pretending to be a believer and thankfully that is not good enough anymore.

I sense that statements such as these need disclaimers, for my biggest fear other than losing pride in posting this, is that the wrong message will be taken away. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE doubted the existence of God. He is very alive and real to me and I have never thought otherwise. The only thing I am guilty of is sitting on the fence when it came to the literal interpretation of the Bible. This was merely an awaking to the fact that truth is not, nor will ever be relative. I also know that my answer to all of the above will be, “yes, yes…very much so yes”; the difference being this time around I will not compromise my intelligence. I will cover as many pages of information as my simple mind can handle, on both sides of the spectrum, until I can’t read anymore. And from there I will make my answer, an answer that I will be able to defend intelligently and not based on emotions. My house will not be built on sand.

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. (1 Peter 3:15)

groupie.

I’ve stuffed a collection of light bulb moments into my big purse of life lessons over the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure exactly why God has been speaking so loudly to me as of late, but I am surely not complaining.

In a cabin in the woods, I heard loud and clear how self centered and vain I had become. God broke my heart for the hurt. 1 Samuel told me that the world looks at the outside but God looks at the heart. So I decided to give it a shot and as I began to look at others from the inside out, instantly my eyes were opened to this whole revolutionary movement of selfless love and this idea that led me to question… would I love Jesus if he were ugly? I began to wonder if the Jesus I had grown up with was an accurate depiction of the real living breathing Jesus, or if it was a Jesus jack-in-the-box I had created to fit my liking. It sounds silly, but it was really quite an earth shaker for me. I imagine also, that if Jesus came back tomorrow I wouldn’t see him dressed nicely in the pew behind me at church. He probably wouldn’t sing and clap to trendy Christian bands. I very much believe he’d swing by a bar or two, feed the poor and make camp with the homeless all before sun down. I love my church and I believe strongly I have found one of the few genuine churches around that loves Jesus and seeks to connect people into a relationship with him, yet I’m intoxicated by this idea of missional living, and venturing outside the Christian bubble. This excitement was followed by confirmations upon confirmations of a gigantic leap to the other side of the US. The ball is now in motion for a most certain summer in Oregon.

This weekend I chased Donald Miller to a conference in Orlando that I knew nothing about. I just wanted to meet the man who had written the book I sleep with at night—he told me that life is a story. That is pretty much all I processed from Don’s brilliant message, for I couldn’t focus with the ridiculous grin on my face and birds singing around my head. I do remember that the theme of Fushion 07 was to seek what it is you are passionate about and set out to do it, and do it not for you but for God’s glory. During the breakout sessions I avoided the mission driven speakers, for I was deathly afraid God would tell me I was to move to Africa. Instead I stumbled into a room and took notes on how to get published. Then I heard a guy by the name of Dan Kimball and he seemed to think that ‘people like Jesus, but not the church’. Dan was weird and had bad hair. But I liked Dan and I agreed with Dan.

So here’s the deal. I hear loud and clear that most importantly God wants me and he can use silly little me to build His kingdom. I believe over the next couple of months He will continue to polish and refine me into a Jesus loving machine and because I want to and because I sought after Him and not because I was going with the flow. I want to figure out where I stand on certain issues and get to the bottom of my political party of choice. I want to learn more about Emerging churches and find out if I want to jump on that bandwagon movement that reaches out to postmodern people and befriend’s the uchurched. I want to be revolutionary and not trendy. I want to be a free thinking liberal hippie who loves Bush and I want to share my faith in a culturally relevant way.

Welcome to my enlightenment, complete with David Crowder singing a catchy tune that tells me ‘I’ll never be the same,’ and that very much excites me.

coffee shops and changing leaves.

I’m moving to Portland. Don Miller says I should move to Portland. And I think maybe God is telling me to move. But, Don Miller is definitely telling me to leave. Why Portland? I’m not sure. I don’t aim to understand. To leap just feels right--to even breathe in the idea of a cross-country move is liberating. So, I’m moving to Portland… at least for the summer. A summer in Oregon. I like the sound of that. Spending my days in authentic coffee shops discussing current events with strangers. I’d like to go on walks in parks downtown where I can marvel in the excellence of building tops as they peak over the brightly colored trees with leaves that seem to change color before my eyes. I’d like an apartment close enough to the city where the sound of cars and life put me to sleep every night. Yeah, I’d like that very much. I’d take day trips to the coast to catch a sunset and sketch my name in the sand. And I’d write. I’d write and I’d talk to God and I’d write some more. I would enjoy very much going to art galleries with my new liberal hippie friends sharing how the colors made us feel and how our hearts break for the hurting. I’d enjoy Sundays sitting rows behind Don, listening to Rick Mckinley send messages across a room and into hearts of new Christians, strong Christians and non-Christians. I think I’d very much like Imago Dei, even though I‘m still not exactly sure how to pronounce it. So, I think I’ll go to Portland. I can’t imagine a much better feeling then moving far away with absolutely nothing to depend on but God. I think I’ll fall very much in love with Him there. So yeah, I’m moving to Portland.

the oregon trail.

Having been born in raised in this south Florida paradise, I find very few if any other climates that appeal to my nature. If I have to wear much more than a hooded sweatshirt more than 10 times a year, I’m not interested in calling it home. Don’t get me wrong, it is my life’s mission to visit any and every crevice on the face of this earth. But, I’m a simple girl. I love my God, love my family, love my friends, love my life. I live contently in my bubble of comfort, having all the ambition in the world overshadowed by this unshakable fear of change. I dream big high budget film dreams. I cast all the highest paid actors and shoot rolls and rolls of film in the most exotic of locations. But as each minute of screen time passes my heart becomes more and more restless in this vicious cycle of attack and retreat. I lay out my escape to a far away land, only to pull all plans to a screeching halt as soon as reality begins to line up with my intentions.

I’d like to think I include God on all major decisions on my life. I trust Him with my life, my friends, my future husband, but I keep the lid vastly tightened on the jar'o'moving. Every now and then I swing the jar around dangerously daring it to drop and bust into a thousand pieces. And after each close call I quickly place it back on the shelf of safety for fear that God will insist I am to move.

Just recently I loosened the top to the jar. It remains shut, but just enough to smell the sweet fragrance of new life. The scent of northwestern territory tickles my nostrils. I breathe in the back to school fragrance and the possibility of new relationships. The aroma is intoxicating and ever so addictive and with one last inhale I soak up every bit of wonderment. I breathe in so deeply it begins to resonate in my heart. My soul is quenched; my heart is calm, even if only for a moment. It’s the kind of peace that quiets your soul and sends a tingle of contentment up your spine. It’s the beauty of watching a sun sink below the horizon or waking up to light breaking over the Grand Canyon. I walk away from the jar, but not before storing the fragrance in a memory bank to be recalled anytime I desire, only leaving behind the excitement of a sensory overload if ever I decide to actually explore the contents of such a container.

Oh, to explore.