GOD CAN BE KNOWN IN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
It isn't something I just say and cross my fingers that it will happen and with my eyes wide open I began to read scripture after scripture, list after list of see me, hear me, taste me, smell me, touch me. It is sprinkled throughout The Word. I couldn't keep up with all the information that was coming across my plate. It was a beautiful mess of scribbles in margins and highlighted verses.
The real tragedy can be expressed best straight from the mouth of Tozer, “For millions of Christians, God is no more real than He is to the non-Christian. They go through life trying to love an ideal and be loyal to a mere principle.”
We are starving for personal experience. We long to see, hear and touch what is good. He will give you all the tools you need to know him in a very real way. Your prayer will fall sweetly on His ears, His Word will not return void in your life.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Ugh.
Witnessing, ugh.
To be brutally honest it’s something I’ve managed to avoid successfully for many years. And I’m not talking about starting debates with non-believers over creation vs. evolution, because that can be done with relatively no humility or grace and for myself, comes from a very prideful place. I’m talking boldly announcing the name of Christ to others. I’ll shout my presidential choice from the rooftops and plaster pictures of my boyfriend all over the place unashamedly. I am a mess without my Savior, but that… that I keep to a whisper.
I’ve used my share of brilliant excuses, to say the least. Is this unsettling to anyone else? I pray this reaches you with a softened heart and a willingness to be convicted to the depths of your being.
I had a day dream, if you will.. this disgustingly convicting image haunts me. My sweet maker is coming to take me home on judgment day and I live every day accordingly. In this revelation, God sketched specific family members, coworkers, acquaintances, and very close friends. He painted every detail of their faces. As I studied each portrait, I heard Him say… “Jen, I love them so much. How much longer are you going to keep Me a secret from them?”
The image turns cold and as I look out into darkness, I hear a cry for help emerge from the once ever so vivid faces.
“Jen, you could have saved me from the wrath that is to come. Why didn’t you tell me?”
And suddenly every excuse I have grasped so tightly, for so long was ripped from my hands.
To be brutally honest it’s something I’ve managed to avoid successfully for many years. And I’m not talking about starting debates with non-believers over creation vs. evolution, because that can be done with relatively no humility or grace and for myself, comes from a very prideful place. I’m talking boldly announcing the name of Christ to others. I’ll shout my presidential choice from the rooftops and plaster pictures of my boyfriend all over the place unashamedly. I am a mess without my Savior, but that… that I keep to a whisper.
I’ve used my share of brilliant excuses, to say the least. Is this unsettling to anyone else? I pray this reaches you with a softened heart and a willingness to be convicted to the depths of your being.
I had a day dream, if you will.. this disgustingly convicting image haunts me. My sweet maker is coming to take me home on judgment day and I live every day accordingly. In this revelation, God sketched specific family members, coworkers, acquaintances, and very close friends. He painted every detail of their faces. As I studied each portrait, I heard Him say… “Jen, I love them so much. How much longer are you going to keep Me a secret from them?”
The image turns cold and as I look out into darkness, I hear a cry for help emerge from the once ever so vivid faces.
“Jen, you could have saved me from the wrath that is to come. Why didn’t you tell me?”
And suddenly every excuse I have grasped so tightly, for so long was ripped from my hands.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Grace story.
I found a picture of four perfectly stacked rocks. At the time, I didn’t understand why this image resounded so magnificently in my soul.
The stones reminded me of a devotion I had done in Matthew 7:25.
“The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rocks.”
My grace story could be explained simply and boldly by this image. He is continually molding, teaching, making me more Christ-like. My quest to pursue righteousness will never end. But, I have assurance that with Him as my foundation I will not fall with a great crash.
So this is simply and wonderfully a story of God laying down the foundation for my life:
I shared life with my first living breathing Christian at the ripe age of 19. I could tell this person was different and something inside whispered that I wanted to be like him. So, I studied him. Which lead to me trying Jesus on for size, for nothing else but to get a buzz out of it. But as with every good buzz thus follows a mighty hangover. In my despair, God lead me to a place of absolute repentance and disgust with the way I had been living. I fell and I fell hard. It took me hitting a personal rock bottom to realize I could not do this on my own, by my own will and merit. There was something missing. There had to more than this. This was not an easy transition. I had to deny every part of me. I had to die to myself to embrace what it really meant to live. I was broken. I was lost. I was a sinner in desperate need of a Savior. The first stone was set in place.
After being stripped of my lifestyle, I was immediately given the tools to survive. I had the Holy Spirit, the Word of God and was off to experience life with a redeemer. This was a season in life that I will cherish forever. I had accountability and encouragement fall into my lap. I had friends that invested in my life and my stock soared. I was part of the body of Christ—serving, learning and growing under wise counsel and surrounded by amazing friends. He equipped me with everything I needed to know Him, serve Him and follow Him... the second stone.
Overtime I became comfortable and dare I say, rebellious? I began acting out and deliberating disobeying God. I threw on some old habits and gave into the dark side. But, this time was different than before. Each night I came up void. My heart was heavy. I was empty and alone. I felt the tug to return home and each time I resisted the pull got stronger and harder to deny. I ended up turning from my disobedience, nothing magical, by any means. I couldn’t physically go on sinning any longer. I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.
In this time of darkness I did a lot of searching for answers. I believed in Jesus. I felt Him in my life, never doubted it. But I had never sorted through the tough questions regarding my faith. I painted a picture of the Jesus I wanted to worship. In this season, I came to know the perfect Son sent to die a literal death for my sins. Though, I didn’t have all the answers… I knew exactly where to find them. And I spent many a day seeking, searching and growing in God’s Word. I craved it like I crave junk food. I needed it more than air. I desired it above all else.
With each day I grew closer in love with God. I finally ‘got’ it. I understood what it meant to live a life sold out for Christ and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I became disciplined with my quiet time. I had a healthy prayer life. I gave up tv, radio and reading anything other than the Bible. I trained myself to toss out the worldview regulations I had grown accustomed to over the course of, well, my entire existence, and I adopted a Biblical worldview. I searched for Truth and thirsted after God’s presence and His wisdom for my life. God destroyed my idols and finally made home in the throne of my heart. He sought after me for so long. This was my long overdue surrender.
First He broke me. Then He equipped me, now He was pursuing me.
It sings so sweetly to my soul, this love. In a season where I chased knowledge I had unknowingly missed out on a vital part… the relationship. God has shown me in the last month what it means to be joyful in spirit; something I have come to believe is directly connected with my relationship in Christ. I am loved and romanced to depths I cannot begin to imagine. My value is found in Christ and Him alone, not in a bank account, in a mirror or in the affections from a boy. And with a revelation like this you can bet Satan is itching to get me on the wrong track. He is constantly trying to rob me of my joy. He feeds me these sweet lies, and even uses my loved ones to confirm such nonsense.
But…
I am made new and no longer broken.
I am equipped to glorify Him; understanding that is exactly and precisely what it is all about.
I am called and pursued; nothing can keep Him from me.
I am romanced; filled with joy and free from the bondage of sin and lies.
God has perfectly set these four stones into place, so I would not crumble under pressure. And because each rock gives support to the next, I am able to stand strong in the face of destruction. I cannot and will not fall with a great crash. Instead, I have heard these words, put them into practice and built my house on rock. For what God builds, no one can undo.
In that foundation, is more grace than I will ever know.
The stones reminded me of a devotion I had done in Matthew 7:25.
“The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rocks.”
My grace story could be explained simply and boldly by this image. He is continually molding, teaching, making me more Christ-like. My quest to pursue righteousness will never end. But, I have assurance that with Him as my foundation I will not fall with a great crash.
So this is simply and wonderfully a story of God laying down the foundation for my life:
I shared life with my first living breathing Christian at the ripe age of 19. I could tell this person was different and something inside whispered that I wanted to be like him. So, I studied him. Which lead to me trying Jesus on for size, for nothing else but to get a buzz out of it. But as with every good buzz thus follows a mighty hangover. In my despair, God lead me to a place of absolute repentance and disgust with the way I had been living. I fell and I fell hard. It took me hitting a personal rock bottom to realize I could not do this on my own, by my own will and merit. There was something missing. There had to more than this. This was not an easy transition. I had to deny every part of me. I had to die to myself to embrace what it really meant to live. I was broken. I was lost. I was a sinner in desperate need of a Savior. The first stone was set in place.
After being stripped of my lifestyle, I was immediately given the tools to survive. I had the Holy Spirit, the Word of God and was off to experience life with a redeemer. This was a season in life that I will cherish forever. I had accountability and encouragement fall into my lap. I had friends that invested in my life and my stock soared. I was part of the body of Christ—serving, learning and growing under wise counsel and surrounded by amazing friends. He equipped me with everything I needed to know Him, serve Him and follow Him... the second stone.
Overtime I became comfortable and dare I say, rebellious? I began acting out and deliberating disobeying God. I threw on some old habits and gave into the dark side. But, this time was different than before. Each night I came up void. My heart was heavy. I was empty and alone. I felt the tug to return home and each time I resisted the pull got stronger and harder to deny. I ended up turning from my disobedience, nothing magical, by any means. I couldn’t physically go on sinning any longer. I didn’t have the energy to fight anymore.
In this time of darkness I did a lot of searching for answers. I believed in Jesus. I felt Him in my life, never doubted it. But I had never sorted through the tough questions regarding my faith. I painted a picture of the Jesus I wanted to worship. In this season, I came to know the perfect Son sent to die a literal death for my sins. Though, I didn’t have all the answers… I knew exactly where to find them. And I spent many a day seeking, searching and growing in God’s Word. I craved it like I crave junk food. I needed it more than air. I desired it above all else.
With each day I grew closer in love with God. I finally ‘got’ it. I understood what it meant to live a life sold out for Christ and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I became disciplined with my quiet time. I had a healthy prayer life. I gave up tv, radio and reading anything other than the Bible. I trained myself to toss out the worldview regulations I had grown accustomed to over the course of, well, my entire existence, and I adopted a Biblical worldview. I searched for Truth and thirsted after God’s presence and His wisdom for my life. God destroyed my idols and finally made home in the throne of my heart. He sought after me for so long. This was my long overdue surrender.
First He broke me. Then He equipped me, now He was pursuing me.
It sings so sweetly to my soul, this love. In a season where I chased knowledge I had unknowingly missed out on a vital part… the relationship. God has shown me in the last month what it means to be joyful in spirit; something I have come to believe is directly connected with my relationship in Christ. I am loved and romanced to depths I cannot begin to imagine. My value is found in Christ and Him alone, not in a bank account, in a mirror or in the affections from a boy. And with a revelation like this you can bet Satan is itching to get me on the wrong track. He is constantly trying to rob me of my joy. He feeds me these sweet lies, and even uses my loved ones to confirm such nonsense.
But…
I am made new and no longer broken.
I am equipped to glorify Him; understanding that is exactly and precisely what it is all about.
I am called and pursued; nothing can keep Him from me.
I am romanced; filled with joy and free from the bondage of sin and lies.
God has perfectly set these four stones into place, so I would not crumble under pressure. And because each rock gives support to the next, I am able to stand strong in the face of destruction. I cannot and will not fall with a great crash. Instead, I have heard these words, put them into practice and built my house on rock. For what God builds, no one can undo.
In that foundation, is more grace than I will ever know.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
GIRLS ARE CRAZY.
Girls are crazy.
I’ll never understand it. I pick regular fights with my boyfriend and they all play out like the same bad dream, really. In the dream, I’m running and running straight for a monster cliff, but I’m powerless to control my actions. Everything inside of me yells, ‘hello, you’re headed straight for some serious self-destruction’. But, my body doesn’t seem to care and continues recklessly skipping towards the edge. Right before the plunge, I slip back into consciousness and wonder why or how this ever seemed a good idea. Poor chap.
Judge me for my honesty, if you must, and have mercy for my patient-slow-to-anger boyfriend. This takes an extreme amount of courage and a huge gulp of pride to even write about. My hope is to speak truth to the women. I guess it’s possible that I’m alone in this emotional defeat, but I have to believe in this underground crazy girl circuit. And nobody talks about it, or else will get our pledge’o’sanity card taken away.
“Hi, I’m Jen and I am an emotional mess.”
Dare I say it is a gift from God?
God made us emotional at our very core and it reveals to us a piece of his character—though tragically much has been lost in the translation. God packaged us perfect and balanced. An apple tree later, we arrive in a fallen world with no instructions and unable to return to sender the damaged pieces. This is my attempt to sort through the emotion and find truth in a sea of lies. My desire is to place a healthy understanding of the strength we have in Jesus Christ and use that to not drown our emotions but to recognize it for what it is and go on to defeat the enemy.
I can trace the brokenness back to high school. The desire to be sought after lead me on an exciting game of catch and release that always left me wanting more. I asked of each boy a void that was impossible to fill; a huge undertaking for a movie hero, let alone a high school Casanova. And for whatever reason my heart was “broken” the first time, I carried baggage over to the next and so on and so on, and so on. Some seven years later I realize Satan has learned to use every bit of my dysfunctional youth to destroy anything good I get my hands on. When I was single he would whisper the same sweet lie to me over and over:
You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re unlovable, unworthy, and WAY too emotional.
And the irony of it all is now that I’m in a relationship, the lies still ring true.
You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re unlovable, unworthy, and WAY too emotional.
Now I won't excuse the boys as completely innocent. So gentlemen, don’t take this as your ticket to slack off. I believe we live in an era where boys have too easily forgotten the art of pursuit. Men take the role of finding a helpmate with a splash of laziness and a heaping of passivity…shaken not stirred. And in a twisted chain of events girls have become the aggressor, the hunter. The roles have been flipped and everybody loses. But, for the sake of this argument,the emotional battle is ours to conquer… not theirs.
…
I’ve spent a fair share of my life consumed by chick flicks, self-help books and human experiments all trying to figure out the trick--unlocking the key to making a relationship magical and movie-esque—each time losing a piece of my self and my faith in romance. First mistake, I sought after movie love. The thing about movie love is it doesn’t exist for longer than an hour (three if it’s the Titanic). Men aren’t strong communicators and that’s why I would argue they cast men playing actors and not actors playing men. Please don’t brush this off as cynical or anti-men. If anything, I’m trying to help the men out here. If we are always waiting for men to meet us at the top of the Empire State building, we’ll miss the men who want to talk over coffee.
Next problem with movie love would be the lack of Jesus. My relationship is nothing if it doesn’t glorify The Maker. There is a direct connection with my contentness in a relationship and my spiritual walk. So, I’ve boiled it down to this. When my thoughts are vertical and I find my value in Jesus Christ, He fills the void that would otherwise be rendered empty if it were left up to a boy. In a sense, loving Jesus makes it easy for a boy to love me.
I am capable of being loved. I am beautiful. And when I start to believe otherwise I need to recognize it for what it is... a bold face lie. I know this, because if I open up my Bible the truth shouts out from its pages that I am made in the image of God. I am a beautiful creation who already has the love of The Creator. A love that pursues me to depths I cannot comprehend—a powerful love that is made perfect in weakness. If I believe Truth than I understand that God will fill the desires of my heart. It’s a devastating love triangle where He desires me as I desire worldly love and should desire Him. Most importantly when I settle for anything short of God’s love, I will collapse every time… every single earth shattering, heart breaking time.
I’ll never understand it. I pick regular fights with my boyfriend and they all play out like the same bad dream, really. In the dream, I’m running and running straight for a monster cliff, but I’m powerless to control my actions. Everything inside of me yells, ‘hello, you’re headed straight for some serious self-destruction’. But, my body doesn’t seem to care and continues recklessly skipping towards the edge. Right before the plunge, I slip back into consciousness and wonder why or how this ever seemed a good idea. Poor chap.
Judge me for my honesty, if you must, and have mercy for my patient-slow-to-anger boyfriend. This takes an extreme amount of courage and a huge gulp of pride to even write about. My hope is to speak truth to the women. I guess it’s possible that I’m alone in this emotional defeat, but I have to believe in this underground crazy girl circuit. And nobody talks about it, or else will get our pledge’o’sanity card taken away.
“Hi, I’m Jen and I am an emotional mess.”
Dare I say it is a gift from God?
God made us emotional at our very core and it reveals to us a piece of his character—though tragically much has been lost in the translation. God packaged us perfect and balanced. An apple tree later, we arrive in a fallen world with no instructions and unable to return to sender the damaged pieces. This is my attempt to sort through the emotion and find truth in a sea of lies. My desire is to place a healthy understanding of the strength we have in Jesus Christ and use that to not drown our emotions but to recognize it for what it is and go on to defeat the enemy.
I can trace the brokenness back to high school. The desire to be sought after lead me on an exciting game of catch and release that always left me wanting more. I asked of each boy a void that was impossible to fill; a huge undertaking for a movie hero, let alone a high school Casanova. And for whatever reason my heart was “broken” the first time, I carried baggage over to the next and so on and so on, and so on. Some seven years later I realize Satan has learned to use every bit of my dysfunctional youth to destroy anything good I get my hands on. When I was single he would whisper the same sweet lie to me over and over:
You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re unlovable, unworthy, and WAY too emotional.
And the irony of it all is now that I’m in a relationship, the lies still ring true.
You’re too much. You’re not enough. You’re unlovable, unworthy, and WAY too emotional.
Now I won't excuse the boys as completely innocent. So gentlemen, don’t take this as your ticket to slack off. I believe we live in an era where boys have too easily forgotten the art of pursuit. Men take the role of finding a helpmate with a splash of laziness and a heaping of passivity…shaken not stirred. And in a twisted chain of events girls have become the aggressor, the hunter. The roles have been flipped and everybody loses. But, for the sake of this argument,the emotional battle is ours to conquer… not theirs.
…
I’ve spent a fair share of my life consumed by chick flicks, self-help books and human experiments all trying to figure out the trick--unlocking the key to making a relationship magical and movie-esque—each time losing a piece of my self and my faith in romance. First mistake, I sought after movie love. The thing about movie love is it doesn’t exist for longer than an hour (three if it’s the Titanic). Men aren’t strong communicators and that’s why I would argue they cast men playing actors and not actors playing men. Please don’t brush this off as cynical or anti-men. If anything, I’m trying to help the men out here. If we are always waiting for men to meet us at the top of the Empire State building, we’ll miss the men who want to talk over coffee.
Next problem with movie love would be the lack of Jesus. My relationship is nothing if it doesn’t glorify The Maker. There is a direct connection with my contentness in a relationship and my spiritual walk. So, I’ve boiled it down to this. When my thoughts are vertical and I find my value in Jesus Christ, He fills the void that would otherwise be rendered empty if it were left up to a boy. In a sense, loving Jesus makes it easy for a boy to love me.
I am capable of being loved. I am beautiful. And when I start to believe otherwise I need to recognize it for what it is... a bold face lie. I know this, because if I open up my Bible the truth shouts out from its pages that I am made in the image of God. I am a beautiful creation who already has the love of The Creator. A love that pursues me to depths I cannot comprehend—a powerful love that is made perfect in weakness. If I believe Truth than I understand that God will fill the desires of my heart. It’s a devastating love triangle where He desires me as I desire worldly love and should desire Him. Most importantly when I settle for anything short of God’s love, I will collapse every time… every single earth shattering, heart breaking time.
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