Suffering and Pride.

Conviction:

God has been very clear, instructing me to get over it. Scripture tells me what He means by that is, cast your anxiety on the Lord for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) I understand that I should rejoice in many trials because it is a testing of my faith so that I may be mature, complete not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4) I know that God works all things out for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

I can quote it, but truthfully I haven't believed any of it.

I'm still hurt, broken and I cry a lot. I am embarrassed to say that out loud for fear that someone with real troubles will read it. People have and will hurt far worse than "being left at the alter". I am a silly girl, forgive me.

A little bit before that verse Peter quotes Proverbs explaining, "God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble". (1 Peter 5:6b)

Ouch that hurts, Holy Spirit. Are you calling me prideful? How so? I'm weak, I'm sad... I'm the victim.

Proud people don't praise God; they're are too consumed with themselves. Humble people are in awe of Him; thankful praise pours naturally from their hearts.

Response:
1 Peter 5:10, And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

This verse tells me a couple things. The first being that God is grace and love and good. To put it boldly, no matter how fierce my testing, I can be thankful I am not in hell where I ought to be. Secondly, it reminds me of His eternal glory. This enables me to look beyond the sufferings of this world to a time where I will be with Him forever. My third comfort is that suffering is just for 'a little while', when held up to the eternal, life's afflictions are less than momentary. And lastly, I should be encouraged that God uses my suffering to mold and perfect my christian character. My commentary says that persecution is intended by Satan to weaken and wear out believers. When put that way, it would appear there is a battle over my obedience right now.

My response tonight is (long overdue) repentance. I didn't want to acknowledge that being sad was pride, I hadn't even considered it. But, humility requires strong confidence in a caring God. I doubted that He was good. I didn't believe that He cared. I didn't think His promises of good were for me. I think am allowed to wrestle with God through those things. I intend to ask for understanding and peace and proof... but I MUST get on my face and beg for my sin of unbelief immediately.

Job prays, "surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know... My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent". (Job 42:3, 5-6)