Believing Him.

I've been itching to write for sometime, and I can't say I understand God's irony of subject. Maybe, I should've been more specific: I want to write about anything but a personal tragedy. Whatever the case, here we are. Knee deep in what seems to be an unshakable nightmare... plenty to write about.

I avoided God for a time. I was angry with Him. I was torn, to weep or not to weep. I trusted Him, but I was having an extremely hard time trusting His timing. I hadn't in the past, why would it surprise me I'm still pressed up against the same rock?

Mason has prayed for us many times. There I am, bowed head, scrunched nose... saying under my breath, stay back Lord. I haven't dove into prayer yet, short of one of the first nights screaming and pleading with him to take it all away. A couple times I sat in darkness trying to remember where I had heard that the Holy Spirit intercedes in prayer when you don't know what to say and hoping that was the case presently.

Scripture also tells me God is near to the brokenhearted, I can testify that to be true. When I desired to push Him away, He never left my side. He spoke sweetly to me hourly and I always felt His presence. In one of Mason's prayers I remember him thanking God for His faithfulness, though he had not been faithful. I liked that, I hope the Holy Spirit interceded that for me, too. I'm being smug, but I'm trying to cleverly explain that void of a formal, Dear God prayer beginning and end... I feel like He's here, alive and unwilling to be silent. I don't know why or how I deserve it, nay I know I absolutely don't. (I've always wanted to use 'nay' in a sentence.)

I've been fighting it, but God told me very early on to stop mourning. Some form of sin, don't have a label for it yet but something told me to stay sad, because no one else would be sad for me. I had to mourn for myself, because everyone else's lives were moving on. People I'm sure were eating normal meals, even dare I say laughing? All the while I was still in bed with beyond puffy eyes and a pounding head.

I've been hiding from people. Scared maybe, that they'd see me out of bed and assume I was fine and never hurt. Then surely they would not feel any sympathy for what I had just gone through. I wanted to hold up a sign to every cashier or passerby letting them know that I was supposed to be married, but my fiance decided against it at the last minute. But if you can believe me, also wanting to just disappear never to have to face the look of pity in a friend or family member's eyes. Certain that no one can understand that I have to relive the embarrassment and pain in each new personal encounter. Feel bad for me, but keep it to yourself. How does that even make sense?

My days have followed in this same indecisive suit. I want this, no that. I want out of the house, and then immediately long for my dark room. The only constants remaining I love my mom and I am better when Mason is near.

As before, God is very much telling me to get over it. Partly, why maybe I still harbor a tinge of anger in His direction. Regardless I'm out of bed daily and back to eating and drinking. I can't imagine I would have been this far advanced had he not reached divinely down to pull me out of the pit.

He's also asking me to BELIEVE HIM and He's challenging me to TRUST HIM. I can assure you these are not new phrases to my vocabulary, but never actually having been challenged to obey them personally from Dear Heavenly Father. Here's where my journey begins. If I believe Him, trust Him, desire His will and wish to follow Mason's lead then I have nothing to be mourning over. Yes mourn over the sin that lead me here and that my Savior drank that cup so that I would not die but live. That, I am justified in mourning. Being sad because God reached in and gave Mason and I a chance to redeem our relationship, not necessary. Wrecked that for the first time in ages we are back walking with the Lord, seems silly. Depressed because this trial is the testing of my faith, which develops perseverance, which must finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything... well, when you put it that way it doesn't make much sense to grieve any longer, huh?

Monday, I will go back to work. My goal and prayer is that when they are expecting to see sorrow and hopelessness I am able to shine with joy and hope. Because both of which I seek in God and not this world. I am thankful for the opportunity to share His love. Though the smile might be a front right now, I do know that very soon I wont remember a time I had to fake it because God is faithful when I am faithless.