Marvelous hope.

It seems as if I could squeeze a lifetime in the space between the last entry and now. This has been a story of walking through my present personal tragedy and learning how to be a good steward through all of that. So far having not done so well. I wrestled through journal/blogging in this season... certain I would not want to remember any of this hurt, but now I'm convinced I don't want to forget a single word from God.

Early on in my despair, God told me to get over it. Which made me angry and sad. But if I truly trusted God like I've always "said" then all he was asking me to do was prove it. Not quite two months into this He's maintained His request but refined it further by challenging me to respond in a way that reflects His glory. I have repeatedly thanked God for Maggie and Jordan's story. What an awesome example of how to be a good steward with everything you've been given--whether that is sickness or a canceled wedding.

Tonight Vicky shared amazing insight on a familiar story. Mary and Martha asked God to heal Lazarus. They knew he could do that. They didn't know he could raise him from the dead. The story plays out, Lazarus dies and God allows the sisters to grieve and walk through that sorrow, only to give them a deeper understanding of His power and goodness. (Vicky explains it so much more eloquently, I hope I didn't butcher it too much)

I also keep returning to two stories in the gospel. The first is a story where a father asks Jesus to cast the evil spirits from his son. "If you can..." says the father. Jesus presses further asking if he believes and he says in Mark 9:24, "I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief". This has been my prayer now for several days. Along the same lines, I am drawn to a story in Luke 17, where the disciples cry out asking God to "increase their faith".

The application pours on as God drew me over to the story of Abraham and Isaac. God is asking me to lay Mason down... to open the palms of my hands and realize nothing I have is mine. Originally I easily agreed to lay him down, but if and only if God promised him in return. And I waited and asked, but that peace never came. It was clear that God wanted a total surrender, more so to not only lay him down but to walk away. I cannot deny that my desire is that the Lord would lead me back to Mason, but I understand that is not where I will put my hope.

Tonight I am painfully encouraged, thankfully blessed and genuinely hopeful. Though, it seems impossible to picture a world without Mason in it, I am rejoicing in a season where God is near and speaks to me daily and hourly if I am disciplined.

God, how would you have me respond?

I have been hiding from friends. I felt a strong conviction that when asked, I should be reflecting God's glory. But it felt as if that would be faking it, so instead I avoided everyone. When I was confronted in public and asked questions like, "How was the wedding?" "How does it feel to be married?" "Let me see your ring!" and the like, I literally shut down. I would watch powerlessly as the poor unsuspecting soul would awkwardly try to wiggle out of the question. I offered absolutely no help. To you all and to God, I apologize and weep over all the missed opportunities to be a good steward of my present circumstance. What I should've shared was that my God is a God of grace and mercy who loves me and desires good for me. I should've told you how faithful He has been to bring me out of despair and into His presence. I should have expressed how thankful I am and how He gave forgiveness to my wretched soul and placed inside of me a marvelous hope.