I possess a sort of broken record spirit. Hardship, triumph and yet another hardship. Can a girl catch a break here, God?
It feels as though I’m hand and hand with God walking straight toward my heart’s desire, but then the road makes a sudden and jagged turn away from what I long for… what He promised. Our grip is tested as I try to continue the previous course. There is a soreness in my heart as the space between us grows. Our arms are now stretched to their full reach, I can feel the tightness in my whole body. I go limp. I surrender. He never lets go, His grip only tightens. I’m frustrated with Him. I cry out. Unable to look Him in the eye, instead I watch as the end to my fairy tale moves from forefront to side glance. He pulls me up, grabs me close and whispers, “Trust me”.
I do trust You, but why are You leading me this way? What I want is the other direction, Lord. Don’t You love me?
This time His voice is a little louder, “Be patient”. There is a sternness in His voice that I cannot deny, yet His eyes are kind. It's as if they are saying.. I love you, I made you. I know what is best for you. Just walk with me.
I imagine I am Abraham, and so surely I will sacrifice my precious promise because I worship a God who will bring it back to life. And so with that, I turn away from what I thought I knew. I quicken my step so that I am back in sync with my Redeemer.
I don’t understand any of it… but I’m standing through it all. I don’t always feel the right way, but I get around to it. I am thankful for a God who has been to the end of my life and who knows exactly what is ahead and what I can bare. He knows exactly how to be glorified most in me, and is holding my hand as we walk through it all. I am so thankful for God’s word and how it comes to life precisely when I need it most. I am thankful for a stability in Christ that is not shattered through a trial but strengthened.
Hope deferred can make a heart sick, but God is greater than our hearts and He knows everything.
Please pray for my grandma.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Haiti Memories.. Part 1
I wish I could live life on a mission trip high. I am desperate to write of my precious Haitian stories, hoping they never slip through my finger tips. I am eager to remember my time spent with such a fortunate bunch. I don’t say that to mock them. I am humbled by a people who love God for who He is and not what He does for them. I am blessed to have spent time in a country overthrown with hardships and sorrow, yet shining with the joy of the Lord. They are a group, not polluted by television or influenced by mainstream images and trends. They understand community and hard work. The children are not spoiled, or self centered but instead learn early how to make much of little. The ground may shake below them, but their faith does not tremble. When faced with disaster, they do not become angry with God, instead they cling to His promises and hope. They take pride in their country and believe in a better future. They are gracious. They are loving. They changed my life.
I was speechless as we landed on the strip of concrete, also known as the Port-Au-Prince airport. I sat shotgun in an old pickup truck with a busted windshield as we drove deeper and deeper into the country. For the first time ever, I remember trusting God with my life. I mean, genuinely recognizing I was in His hands and at the mercy of His will. I didn’t have the comfort of 911, or a familiar city. No cell phone, no AAA, and nothing was in English. I had absolutely no control over my life and I was RELIEVED.
As we drove down muddy roads lined with people trying to make a living, I felt as if at any moment the director would yell “Cut!” and the projector would flicker off revealing the green screen backdrop. I can only describe it with the cheesy term, culture shock. The commute revealed a scene and a smell that I will never forget. A woman approached the vehicle. Her eyes were white, where there should’ve been dark pupils. In shame, I looked away. I saw people missing limbs. I saw people digging through mountains of trash looking for there next meal, or way to make money. I saw more bare feet than I could count. I witnessed more skinny arms and bloated bellies than I was prepared for. I felt ashamed, scared, overwhelmed and I wanted it all to go away.
The place I stayed was literally a beautiful oasis surrounded by huge concrete walls, topped by barbwire. I remember the first night sitting outside in a lawn chair listening to the vibrant, sometimes frightening, sounds coming from outside the walls. This is where I cried for the first time. If it makes any sense, I cried because I hadn’t yet cried. I’d like to think I rank pretty high on the compassionate scale, yet there I was… immersed in a fascinating new culture and terrified to look anyone in the eye.
I don’t know if the word ashamed, gives what I was feeling any justice. But, there under the Haitian moon I begged God to make sense of it all. Why are some born into wealth, and others poverty? Worse yet, why is it so easy for me, amidst all my material possessions, to be ungrateful? My mind ran a mile a minute, flooded with ideas of what to do, or how to help. I knew I would never be the same, but I could only at this point ask God where to go from there.
The next morning, I visited a missionary compound in Leogane. I listened in on the conversation, but I was more interested in this man from New Jersey’s faithful leap into another world. Here is where I started to learn of a vision for Haiti’s future. I wasn’t just standing in a courtyard of a school and church… this was a haven for children to leave with full bellies and solid Christian foundations. The future of this country lies with the children who love the Lord and desire to make their home a better place.
Before leaving the compound, the people gathered around us and prayed for safe travel and God’s will. This was so un-American and I loved it.
Our next stop was at a precious orphanage only a few miles away. Here I would meet 11 precious little ladies who all shared a roof and a bedroom. They each gave me a kiss on the cheek and I shared one of my favorite things with them… CANDY. I watched as the littlest one in the bunch placed the wrapper and all in her mouth.
They were proud to show me their room. I smiled as I saw “Jesus loves you” written on the door to the boys room. There was a concrete floor, ceiling and walls. They had no electricity so it was very dark inside. But it was clean and the girls had made their beds. They had beautiful blankets made for them by a class from Naples Christian Academy and these blankets covered a bed frame and springs. They were without mattresses.
The mother of the house stood proudly as I explored her home. The kitchen looked more like a work shed but in that small space she prepared meals for her beautiful 16 orphan children. My eyes were still adjusting when I noticed a brightly colored fabric hanging over a window. I couldn’t help but blurt out how lovely her curtains were. Her face lit up. She was beautiful and you could just tell her soul was at rest. She was a real life Proverbs 31 woman.
I wanted to give every penny I had to this Pastor and his wife who had taken in these precious little ones. They weren’t waiting around on a hand out, they were making the best of what they were given. Pray for this sweet family.
I can’t wait to share Day 2 with you, but I’m afraid I need to pace myself so you’ll actually give it a read and not be discouraged by a lengthy novel.
…to be continued.
I was speechless as we landed on the strip of concrete, also known as the Port-Au-Prince airport. I sat shotgun in an old pickup truck with a busted windshield as we drove deeper and deeper into the country. For the first time ever, I remember trusting God with my life. I mean, genuinely recognizing I was in His hands and at the mercy of His will. I didn’t have the comfort of 911, or a familiar city. No cell phone, no AAA, and nothing was in English. I had absolutely no control over my life and I was RELIEVED.
As we drove down muddy roads lined with people trying to make a living, I felt as if at any moment the director would yell “Cut!” and the projector would flicker off revealing the green screen backdrop. I can only describe it with the cheesy term, culture shock. The commute revealed a scene and a smell that I will never forget. A woman approached the vehicle. Her eyes were white, where there should’ve been dark pupils. In shame, I looked away. I saw people missing limbs. I saw people digging through mountains of trash looking for there next meal, or way to make money. I saw more bare feet than I could count. I witnessed more skinny arms and bloated bellies than I was prepared for. I felt ashamed, scared, overwhelmed and I wanted it all to go away.
The place I stayed was literally a beautiful oasis surrounded by huge concrete walls, topped by barbwire. I remember the first night sitting outside in a lawn chair listening to the vibrant, sometimes frightening, sounds coming from outside the walls. This is where I cried for the first time. If it makes any sense, I cried because I hadn’t yet cried. I’d like to think I rank pretty high on the compassionate scale, yet there I was… immersed in a fascinating new culture and terrified to look anyone in the eye.
I don’t know if the word ashamed, gives what I was feeling any justice. But, there under the Haitian moon I begged God to make sense of it all. Why are some born into wealth, and others poverty? Worse yet, why is it so easy for me, amidst all my material possessions, to be ungrateful? My mind ran a mile a minute, flooded with ideas of what to do, or how to help. I knew I would never be the same, but I could only at this point ask God where to go from there.
The next morning, I visited a missionary compound in Leogane. I listened in on the conversation, but I was more interested in this man from New Jersey’s faithful leap into another world. Here is where I started to learn of a vision for Haiti’s future. I wasn’t just standing in a courtyard of a school and church… this was a haven for children to leave with full bellies and solid Christian foundations. The future of this country lies with the children who love the Lord and desire to make their home a better place.
Before leaving the compound, the people gathered around us and prayed for safe travel and God’s will. This was so un-American and I loved it.
Our next stop was at a precious orphanage only a few miles away. Here I would meet 11 precious little ladies who all shared a roof and a bedroom. They each gave me a kiss on the cheek and I shared one of my favorite things with them… CANDY. I watched as the littlest one in the bunch placed the wrapper and all in her mouth.
They were proud to show me their room. I smiled as I saw “Jesus loves you” written on the door to the boys room. There was a concrete floor, ceiling and walls. They had no electricity so it was very dark inside. But it was clean and the girls had made their beds. They had beautiful blankets made for them by a class from Naples Christian Academy and these blankets covered a bed frame and springs. They were without mattresses.
The mother of the house stood proudly as I explored her home. The kitchen looked more like a work shed but in that small space she prepared meals for her beautiful 16 orphan children. My eyes were still adjusting when I noticed a brightly colored fabric hanging over a window. I couldn’t help but blurt out how lovely her curtains were. Her face lit up. She was beautiful and you could just tell her soul was at rest. She was a real life Proverbs 31 woman.
I wanted to give every penny I had to this Pastor and his wife who had taken in these precious little ones. They weren’t waiting around on a hand out, they were making the best of what they were given. Pray for this sweet family.
I can’t wait to share Day 2 with you, but I’m afraid I need to pace myself so you’ll actually give it a read and not be discouraged by a lengthy novel.
…to be continued.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Forbidden Fruit
In the solitude (and blistering cold) of the Tennessee mountains, I learned a little bit more of God’s character. I took walks in the snow, and was moved by a simple sun beam shining through the naked tree limbs. My soul was quieted when surrounded by this winter white beauty. Not the beauty found on a Cosmo magazine, but a beauty that could only be hand painted by the Creator of the universe. I was at rest.
During my stay above the clouds, I read and reread the account of Creation in Genesis, along side the book ‘Captivating’ and a tragic story of distrust and a soul at unrest played out on both stages. If you’ve read the book, bare with me as I recap… if you haven’t, you’re in for an epiphany (or at least I was). The stage is set, you know the story… There is Adam, there is Eve and there is the invention of rebellion. But, let’s dive deeper. They had everything they ever needed at their finger tips, with only one condition… ‘Do not eat from the Tree of Life, or you shall die’. As with most deception it always starts from a small opening in the door, just enough wiggle room for Satan to slither into. We witness him plant a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind. ‘Surely you will not DIE, but instead your eyes will be opened’. In my opinion, this is the most tragic and IMPORTANT lesson to be learned in a woman’s life.
The seed of doubt was placed in Eve’s mind and from that grew a heart of distrust towards God. I can see this in my own life (dare I say.. almost EVERYDAY?). Somewhere along the way, I began to distrust God and His plan for me. I stopped believing that He had my good in store. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it happened somewhere after my first heart break, or maybe the second or third? As life begins to collect its share of hardships and defeats, the distrust in my heart grew. Eve believed that God was holding out on her and so she took matters into her own hands. She took a bite of the forbidden fruit leaving behind the plan God had for her; believing that she could construct something better with her own two hands.
Does this resound in any other women’s heart? Or am I alone to recall the countless times I have rushed God’s timing, or pushed my own agenda? Too impatient to wait or too convinced that I could do it better on my own. It’s only a matter of time before my plan comes to a rushing halt, or I am left worse off than when I had started.
If I can be brutally honest for a moment, a prime example has just irrupted in my life over the last year. I was so eager to be married, that I willed everything to play out in fast forward; boyfriend, love, marriage… the faster, the better. (Tic Tok) I knew what was best for me and I put all my energy into making it happen. We are a generation of strong, successful, EAGER women. We see what we want and not only do we go after it, but we are clever and empowered enough to attain it. Mildly put, we get what we want. It is a beautiful strength that we can sometimes seem to pervert.
I say this, if only to prevent one person from the disaster I walked through. If I had recognized my actions, for what they were, maybe I would have pumped the brakes on the crazy. I need you to hear, that I don’t blame myself for the hurt. I don’t dwell there at all. It was an unfortunate thing to be abandoned the week of your wedding. I hope no one has to walk through that and further more, I don’t think for one second God wills us to experience such a pain. I think if I had listened, He was desperately trying to pull me from it. If I had listened, *sigh*.
So here I am, as of tomorrow, another year older and back at square one, it would seem. Would you think I was insane to say, I wouldn’t trade it for anything? I’m actually encouraged to have learned such an incredible truth. It is an honest relief to know that God IS in control, God DOES desire my best and better even… WILLS to see it come to pass. It only took 26 years to finally TRUST God’s heart. And I am looking forward to spending another lifetime perfecting such a belief.
"The Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak."-Clive Staples Lewis
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this.
Psalm 37:4-5
During my stay above the clouds, I read and reread the account of Creation in Genesis, along side the book ‘Captivating’ and a tragic story of distrust and a soul at unrest played out on both stages. If you’ve read the book, bare with me as I recap… if you haven’t, you’re in for an epiphany (or at least I was). The stage is set, you know the story… There is Adam, there is Eve and there is the invention of rebellion. But, let’s dive deeper. They had everything they ever needed at their finger tips, with only one condition… ‘Do not eat from the Tree of Life, or you shall die’. As with most deception it always starts from a small opening in the door, just enough wiggle room for Satan to slither into. We witness him plant a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind. ‘Surely you will not DIE, but instead your eyes will be opened’. In my opinion, this is the most tragic and IMPORTANT lesson to be learned in a woman’s life.
The seed of doubt was placed in Eve’s mind and from that grew a heart of distrust towards God. I can see this in my own life (dare I say.. almost EVERYDAY?). Somewhere along the way, I began to distrust God and His plan for me. I stopped believing that He had my good in store. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it happened somewhere after my first heart break, or maybe the second or third? As life begins to collect its share of hardships and defeats, the distrust in my heart grew. Eve believed that God was holding out on her and so she took matters into her own hands. She took a bite of the forbidden fruit leaving behind the plan God had for her; believing that she could construct something better with her own two hands.
Does this resound in any other women’s heart? Or am I alone to recall the countless times I have rushed God’s timing, or pushed my own agenda? Too impatient to wait or too convinced that I could do it better on my own. It’s only a matter of time before my plan comes to a rushing halt, or I am left worse off than when I had started.
If I can be brutally honest for a moment, a prime example has just irrupted in my life over the last year. I was so eager to be married, that I willed everything to play out in fast forward; boyfriend, love, marriage… the faster, the better. (Tic Tok) I knew what was best for me and I put all my energy into making it happen. We are a generation of strong, successful, EAGER women. We see what we want and not only do we go after it, but we are clever and empowered enough to attain it. Mildly put, we get what we want. It is a beautiful strength that we can sometimes seem to pervert.
I say this, if only to prevent one person from the disaster I walked through. If I had recognized my actions, for what they were, maybe I would have pumped the brakes on the crazy. I need you to hear, that I don’t blame myself for the hurt. I don’t dwell there at all. It was an unfortunate thing to be abandoned the week of your wedding. I hope no one has to walk through that and further more, I don’t think for one second God wills us to experience such a pain. I think if I had listened, He was desperately trying to pull me from it. If I had listened, *sigh*.
So here I am, as of tomorrow, another year older and back at square one, it would seem. Would you think I was insane to say, I wouldn’t trade it for anything? I’m actually encouraged to have learned such an incredible truth. It is an honest relief to know that God IS in control, God DOES desire my best and better even… WILLS to see it come to pass. It only took 26 years to finally TRUST God’s heart. And I am looking forward to spending another lifetime perfecting such a belief.
"The Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak."-Clive Staples Lewis
Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this.
Psalm 37:4-5
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Ye of lil faith.
It’s been a whirlwind of a year, to say the least. The first half mimicked a slow tick ascent of a rollercoaster climbing to the top, followed by an immediate drop straight down, to what felt like my doom. I rang 2009 in at my friend’s wedding in upstate New York. It was my first time ever seeing snow and the closest I’ve ever come to losing my toes to frost bite. March I got engaged and turned 25. June didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped. September I answered the call to missions in Haiti, turned out to be a wrong number… or I hung up prematurely, the verdict is still out. Thanksgiving I told all my family I was moving to Haiti, Christmas I told them “just kidding”. I quit my job, twice… neither time panned out, thankfully. Instead I got some much need time off. Which brings us to present day, are you as exhausted reading it as I was living it?
Spiritually I ended the year defeated. I desperately desired to hear from God. I begged and pleaded for my neon sign directing my path and lighting the way. No luck. So, I did what any (un)reasonable Christian would do, I pouted and hid in a corner. I walked away, not from my belief in God, but from desiring His presence and seeking His guidance. God didn’t answer me… so I stopped asking. This season in the valley was cold and quiet and lonely. But I am so thankful for a God who speaks to me in the desert (Hosea 2:14). I do not deserve it, and despite it all, He continues to draw me near (James 4:8).
I don’t really have direction. I can’t say I’ve made total sense of the latter part of my year, but I do know that the pain I’ve walked through will not be in vain. I refuse to let it be. Christ is the solid rock on which I stand. I exist to glorify Him, desire a relationship with Him and learn more about His character everyday.
My 2009 lacked the necessary faith to get through the year unscathed. This year, I will resolve to grow my faith. I will learn to actually trust God with all and not just say that I do.
Over the last few months, I had really beat myself up over not having enough faith to make the move to Haiti. I mourned (rightfully so) over the missed opportunities to see God move and impact lives in ways beyond anything I have ever seen. And though, it would seem a noble lashing… it was really an effective plan in keeping me down. I finally came to a place where I saw my unbelief (or lack of faith) as a sin. First glance, this might seem like a further discouragement, but in reality it released me. I understand that Christ died for my sins. However, I normally default to believe His blood covered my yucky past, my sometimes exaggeration of the truth, or my lack of financial stewardship. But it hadn’t occurred to me that Christ has already (and will continue to) forgive me daily for my lack of faith. Most importantly I am never to dwell in that wretched place of despair and discouragement. I must remember, I can always ask for MORE faith. (Luke 17:5 and Mark 9:24)
I’ve been spending some time in the gospel of John. Not too far into chapter one, I found myself paying extra attention to everyone’s measure of faith. I read about how John the Baptist pointed to the glory of Christ every chance he got. I saw Andrew’s faith in Jesus and his eagerness to share it with his brother (Simon Peter). This trickle effect led to the very man that Christ would raise up as the foundation of the early church. And when Nathaneal heard and believed what Jesus said, Jesus invited him to see and witness “greater things than that”!!
Simply put, God can (and I like to think enjoys) turning my teeny splashes into tidal waves...
Spiritually I ended the year defeated. I desperately desired to hear from God. I begged and pleaded for my neon sign directing my path and lighting the way. No luck. So, I did what any (un)reasonable Christian would do, I pouted and hid in a corner. I walked away, not from my belief in God, but from desiring His presence and seeking His guidance. God didn’t answer me… so I stopped asking. This season in the valley was cold and quiet and lonely. But I am so thankful for a God who speaks to me in the desert (Hosea 2:14). I do not deserve it, and despite it all, He continues to draw me near (James 4:8).
I don’t really have direction. I can’t say I’ve made total sense of the latter part of my year, but I do know that the pain I’ve walked through will not be in vain. I refuse to let it be. Christ is the solid rock on which I stand. I exist to glorify Him, desire a relationship with Him and learn more about His character everyday.
My 2009 lacked the necessary faith to get through the year unscathed. This year, I will resolve to grow my faith. I will learn to actually trust God with all and not just say that I do.
Over the last few months, I had really beat myself up over not having enough faith to make the move to Haiti. I mourned (rightfully so) over the missed opportunities to see God move and impact lives in ways beyond anything I have ever seen. And though, it would seem a noble lashing… it was really an effective plan in keeping me down. I finally came to a place where I saw my unbelief (or lack of faith) as a sin. First glance, this might seem like a further discouragement, but in reality it released me. I understand that Christ died for my sins. However, I normally default to believe His blood covered my yucky past, my sometimes exaggeration of the truth, or my lack of financial stewardship. But it hadn’t occurred to me that Christ has already (and will continue to) forgive me daily for my lack of faith. Most importantly I am never to dwell in that wretched place of despair and discouragement. I must remember, I can always ask for MORE faith. (Luke 17:5 and Mark 9:24)
I’ve been spending some time in the gospel of John. Not too far into chapter one, I found myself paying extra attention to everyone’s measure of faith. I read about how John the Baptist pointed to the glory of Christ every chance he got. I saw Andrew’s faith in Jesus and his eagerness to share it with his brother (Simon Peter). This trickle effect led to the very man that Christ would raise up as the foundation of the early church. And when Nathaneal heard and believed what Jesus said, Jesus invited him to see and witness “greater things than that”!!
Simply put, God can (and I like to think enjoys) turning my teeny splashes into tidal waves...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Seed 2 Sow
God just continues to illuminate scripture that is so real and relevant to my life. I've been blog silent, if you will... as I just processed everything carefully as not to misunderstand what He was saying to me.
I attended an Experiencing God conference hosted at Summit Church. I felt a strong call on my life to jump off the edge of comfortable christian living and embrace His invitation to do immeasurably more than all I could ever ask or imagine through my life (Ephesians 3:20). After seeking counsel and paying attention to opportunity, God placed a country on my heart. What He was calling me to after that was frightening beyond belief, but I remembered... Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."
So I began to just search His Word, believing, trusting, praying that He would make His purpose and plan for my future very clear.
Then I waited.
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."
Lamentations 3:24-26 "I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Then I found confirmation.
James 1:27 "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." God had placed Haiti on my heart. God also began to immediately open doors to lead me into relationships that would provide an opportunity to serve.
And then encouragement.
1 Peter 4:10 "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." I began to cry out to God and beg Him to reveal my "gifts". I pleaded for clarity and vision. I prayed for a passion and a path. In this season, I struggled back and forth with God. I started to drift from the call God had placed in my heart. I would wrestle the conviction away assuring myself that I had nothing to offer. I wasn't good at much. I was a coward. I would fail. I wouldn't follow through and so much more of the like. To tell you I am healed of these fears, would at this point be a lie. However, I ate a piece of humble pie as I realized that this had nothing to do with me. All my righteous acts are like filthy rags in the presence of God (Isaiah 64:6). God is alive and real and in the business of redeeming lives and he is inviting me to participate in that. He is offering up an opportunity to witness Him move big and great and mightily.
He has continued to do a work in my life. Constantly refining and perfecting the plan He has for me, which I am excited to share with you soon. But before too much of the plan is revealed, I will look to an example from the life of Nehemiah. In Nehemiah chapter 1, Nehemiah hears of the condition of his people and hometown. In verse 4 he writes, "When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven."
After this, Nehemiah acted.
I will go to Haiti allowing the Lord to break me and burden me for the people there. I will fast and pray and weep. And when I return, I will hit the ground running, throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance in the race marked out for me(Hebrews 12:1).
"Let me look on the crowd as my Savior did, Till my eyes with tears grow dim. Let me view with pity the wandering sheep, And love them for love of Him." -unknown
I attended an Experiencing God conference hosted at Summit Church. I felt a strong call on my life to jump off the edge of comfortable christian living and embrace His invitation to do immeasurably more than all I could ever ask or imagine through my life (Ephesians 3:20). After seeking counsel and paying attention to opportunity, God placed a country on my heart. What He was calling me to after that was frightening beyond belief, but I remembered... Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."
So I began to just search His Word, believing, trusting, praying that He would make His purpose and plan for my future very clear.
Then I waited.
Psalm 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope."
Lamentations 3:24-26 "I say to myself, The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Then I found confirmation.
James 1:27 "Religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." God had placed Haiti on my heart. God also began to immediately open doors to lead me into relationships that would provide an opportunity to serve.
And then encouragement.
1 Peter 4:10 "Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." I began to cry out to God and beg Him to reveal my "gifts". I pleaded for clarity and vision. I prayed for a passion and a path. In this season, I struggled back and forth with God. I started to drift from the call God had placed in my heart. I would wrestle the conviction away assuring myself that I had nothing to offer. I wasn't good at much. I was a coward. I would fail. I wouldn't follow through and so much more of the like. To tell you I am healed of these fears, would at this point be a lie. However, I ate a piece of humble pie as I realized that this had nothing to do with me. All my righteous acts are like filthy rags in the presence of God (Isaiah 64:6). God is alive and real and in the business of redeeming lives and he is inviting me to participate in that. He is offering up an opportunity to witness Him move big and great and mightily.
He has continued to do a work in my life. Constantly refining and perfecting the plan He has for me, which I am excited to share with you soon. But before too much of the plan is revealed, I will look to an example from the life of Nehemiah. In Nehemiah chapter 1, Nehemiah hears of the condition of his people and hometown. In verse 4 he writes, "When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven."
After this, Nehemiah acted.
I will go to Haiti allowing the Lord to break me and burden me for the people there. I will fast and pray and weep. And when I return, I will hit the ground running, throwing off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and run with perseverance in the race marked out for me(Hebrews 12:1).
"Let me look on the crowd as my Savior did, Till my eyes with tears grow dim. Let me view with pity the wandering sheep, And love them for love of Him." -unknown
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Praying Psalms
I tackled Psalm 119, you know the crazy loooong one. There were many recurring themes, but one especially I found treasure in. I had been begging God to show me 'what now?'. All I knew is that destruction had come and God had promised it was for my good (Romans 8:28). But, the promise didn't remove the pain. What was I to do with all of that gunk?
And then I found...
Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
So I got in the Word.
And then I found...
Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
Carrying seed to sow, you say... what is that? I want songs of joy. Luke 8:11 Jesus' parable lays it out, "The seed is the Word of God." Further on in the parable we learn how to be the 'good seed'. By hearing the Word, retaining it and by persevering we'll then produce a crop.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Hebrews 6:12 ...Imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
Is anyone else seeing how beautifully this is being knit together?
Psalm 119:103-105 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
And then I found...
Psalm 119:28 My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
So I got in the Word.
And then I found...
Psalm 126:5-6 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
Carrying seed to sow, you say... what is that? I want songs of joy. Luke 8:11 Jesus' parable lays it out, "The seed is the Word of God." Further on in the parable we learn how to be the 'good seed'. By hearing the Word, retaining it and by persevering we'll then produce a crop.
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Hebrews 6:12 ...Imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
Is anyone else seeing how beautifully this is being knit together?
Psalm 119:103-105 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sifting and such.
"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32
There is so much hope in Christ's words here to Peter. Too tired for complete sentences, however I will attempt to tell you all that this speaks to me.
Satan can't test me without God's permission. Now, whether this is true for all stories, I can definitely see a similarity between this instance with Peter and one several books back in Job. If that is the case, then I can draw that Christ also knows the outcome will end up with less of me and more of Him. I read somewhere that God is practical and he doesn't allow people to be sifted who have nothing they need radically extracted from their lives.
In Peter's case... perhaps he needed to be sifted in order to remove his pride, leaving a blank pallet for Christ to build the first Christian church. My case, less noble but I had to be stripped of my desire to be married. It sounds dramatic and cold, but when the drive to be married (harmless as it sounds) reigned higher in my heart than God... it needed to go.
Oh, the ugly sins it gave birth to: idolatry, discontentment, distrust... forgive me sweet Savior. You are everything I need. I've returned my eyes back to You and You alone. It was all about what I could gain, instead of what I was being called to give.
"...I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteous of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ..." Philippians 3:8-9
There is so much hope in Christ's words here to Peter. Too tired for complete sentences, however I will attempt to tell you all that this speaks to me.
Satan can't test me without God's permission. Now, whether this is true for all stories, I can definitely see a similarity between this instance with Peter and one several books back in Job. If that is the case, then I can draw that Christ also knows the outcome will end up with less of me and more of Him. I read somewhere that God is practical and he doesn't allow people to be sifted who have nothing they need radically extracted from their lives.
In Peter's case... perhaps he needed to be sifted in order to remove his pride, leaving a blank pallet for Christ to build the first Christian church. My case, less noble but I had to be stripped of my desire to be married. It sounds dramatic and cold, but when the drive to be married (harmless as it sounds) reigned higher in my heart than God... it needed to go.
Oh, the ugly sins it gave birth to: idolatry, discontentment, distrust... forgive me sweet Savior. You are everything I need. I've returned my eyes back to You and You alone. It was all about what I could gain, instead of what I was being called to give.
"...I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteous of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ..." Philippians 3:8-9
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