bobby idol.

I know exactly what it is I put before God and most tragically choose to do absolutely nothing about it. Because let’s gets real, allowing God to have control over every aspect of your life sounds good in theory, but how many of us actually hand it over--the whole thing, that is. It’s easy only handing over pieces, while grasping tightly to others.

I am extremely guilty of negotiating with God. In honesty, I do it with everyone and everything in my life. I’m the 2 year old that holds a death grip onto about 10 toys and yet still dropps down to my knees in utter pain as I watch another child try to grab something of mine. The catch being in those brief moments between the awakening of your selfishness and a parental scolding you realize you need to give something up.

Here God, you can have my relationships with family and friends, oh... and finances. You can DEFINITELY have that one. What’s that, God? My future husband?? Um, well actually... if you don’t mind, I think I’ll hold onto that one myself.“The heart is deceitful and beyond cure...” Jeremiah 17:9. We underestimate the wickedness of our own hearts. God not only knows the very depths of our hearts, but wants to save us from the bondage of evil within it. The heart is tricky. It allows us to think we are in control, when it’s actually quite the opposite. I’m learning in this very moment that God is a jealous God and while He gives us the option to choose Him, He also reserves the right to rip every single idol you put before Him right out of your hands--and has no problem doing so. He should be number one in our hearts, no ifs, ands or buts. He deserves nothing less and won’t rest until He reigns from the throne of our hearts.

God has one by one released (for lack of a better word) every potential love interest from my life. After each failed attempt I heard Him say loud and clear... Choose me. Pick me this time. Pursue me instead of this boy. However my flesh responded with an... Okay God, how about I pick up my Bible and read a few verses AFTER I finish talking to this boy on the phone. Or better yet, what if we talk about You? That counts, right? I was allowing my current crush to get comfortable in the throne of my heart and expecting God to cozy up in John Doe’s lap. To no fault of the boys, I can almost picture God wistfully hauling him out of the chair and a couple helicopter wrestling moves later the boy is flat on his butt out in the streets. Then God ever so patiently brushes His hands off and returns to the room to give me another undeserving shot at assigning seats.

So what’s my response? I don’t think God wills me to never look in the direction of another boy. Or drop my guy friends like a bad habit. I don’t think it’s a sin to rent countless love stories upon love stories dreaming of the day my prince will come. So what would dying to myself look like in this case? I assume I won’t look too much different on the outside. I expect there will not be a physical change in my outward appearance. I’m guessing there will be no bells and whistles that I have passed on. The change will happen from within--starting from the inside and moving outward. I don’t have to attend an AA meeting to know that the first step is to admit the problem. My heart--your heart is deceitful. Meditating on the verse in Jeremiah helps to remind me that I am not in control over my hearts actions. If anything I am a victim; with my heart cleverly working against me. The second part of Jeremiah 17:9 says, “Who can understand it?” and carries on in verse 10 to answer, “I, the Lord, search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man (or in my case a woman) according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.” It all falls back on the truth that God will not withhold any good thing. He longs to fill the desires of my heart. All he asks is that I trust in Him. Delight in His ways. Let Him reign over my heart, not the next pretty boy that walks by with a killer smile and a pair of baby blues.

I say good-riddens to the falseness of my delusions. Let God deal with my manipulative heart. It’s almost bitter sweet. With my heart in God’s hands the appropriate action would result in an eager jump to my carnal death. Being a writer and a hopeless romantic with a gift of imagination that tends to run off in all directions under the sun, it’s hard for me to willingly hand over the pen of my life--of my love story. I insist that I am capable of a better storyline; followed by forced emotions and painful mistakes that can’t be erased. So instead I’m left with a paper full of scribbles and mark ups that lead me back to the first line, each time a little more discouraged than the time before. When I finally do hand the pen over to the true Author of all things, I envision a gigantic sigh of relief as the weight of all my selfish actions are removed from my chest, followed by an ‘about time’ from the Man above. I watch as He pulls out a completely fresh piece of paper and begins to write a love story so far beyond what my silly mind is even capable of wrapping itself around. And it's there that I realize, my story was a poor attempt at a carbon copy movie script complete with an unhappy ending. But immediately upon role reversals He begins intricately designing an original masterpiece for my life. A custom made, hand written story line begins to unfold created by the One who created me. Seems fitting that He might know a little better than I, not only what events should play out but how the story ends.

Dare I even say... Happily Ever After???